Fashion police charged

MY LADIES, wherever you are, whether you are old or young, black, white, yellow or brown, rich or poor, high-class, middle-class or low-class, bougie or gangsta, today I am defending you all against the persistent actions of certain police.
But before I continue, let me state categorically that I am not talking about any of those members of the Royal Barbados Police Force who daily and nightly live up to their commitment to serve and protect, often risking their lives to find and arrest murderers, thieves, robbers, drug dealers, forgers, swindlers, arsonists, burglars, rapists, shoplifters and other law-breakers.
Nor am I referring to those whose duties are in management, clerical, traffic, music, mounted, guarding and other activities not related to criminal activity.
The police I am specifically dealing with are the ones who have assigned themselves duties as fashion police and who go ’pon patrol every Friday and put a lot of heat mainly on women and in the process, also serve as prosecutor, judge and jury.
Check some of the charges, fines and confines they have imposed recently:
“Oh no – you’ve been attacked by the drunken seamstress. Failing to report the attack will cost you $83.20.”
“Did someone mistake you for a wall and paint graffiti on your back? Letting that happen will cost you $60.”
“Whatever you used to slide into those shorts isn’t going to be enough to get you out of a $100 fine and four weeks of fashion detention.”
“So a fisherman caught you in his net, you got away and decided to wear the net as a dress? Straight to jail.”
I am not done yet. Check these:
“You’re going to need more than your hand to hide that fashion-fail passing as an outfit.”
“Those pants are so tight that you can hardly breathe. You’ll have to squeeze out a $60 payment.”
“Since your corset isn’t doing the job, we suggest you meet us at Central for a proper dress.”
“We thought we’d banned kitten heels. Step into the big league with a $20 charge.”
And it gets worse. Look at these:
“Are those boots or did you steal two old traffic cones to complete your see-through look. Bring your cheque book to Central.”
“Dressing like a clown school drop out will get you a funny ticket of $98.45.”
“Using your extra scarf as a shirt is a fashion no-no. Wearing it with those shorts is a fashion crime worth $98.50.”
“This banquet of ladies has something in common – nothing fits. We’ll see you all in fashion rehab.”
Ladies, I am on your side and call on you to find the Fashion Police Commission and ask for better treatment by his force. Most of all, demand that there fashion police come from behind to in front of the camera next Friday so the public can judge whether they can pass any fashion test with flying colours or if they are best suited for life sentences in Dodds.
• Al Gilkes heads a public relations firm. Email algilkes@gmail.com