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THE LOWDOWN: Lick me all over –  Rihanna

Richard Hoad

THE LOWDOWN: Lick me all over –  Rihanna

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Sir Cow, yuh wrong! And I was wrong too! Maybe like me you thought the University of the West Indies (UWI) was a place to get letters behind your name; that many of the lecturers couldn’t find gainful employment anywhere else; and that their graduates were much the same.
And the evidence was compelling. A manufacturer recently couldn’t believe the wages that UWI graduates who applied to him were getting in Town. Hundreds of foreigners got jobs here for World Cup that Bajan graduates couldn’t do.
The shining exception was Professor Oliver Headley, a former classmate of mine. Headley delivered. Universities in other countries solve problems in agriculture, manufacturing and other fields. Does anyone turn to the UWI for help? Like against these sandflies that are making me grunt? I’d be better off asking the Silent Doctors lady.
So many of us tend to look on columns by UWI personnel as kinda jokey-jokey entertainment – the old tired and failed socialist development model making its last gasp before being “relegated to the metaphorical trash heap of history” as someone put it.
But we were wrong. Although, to be honest, I too was amazed at Dr Tennyson Joseph’s September 4 column. I mean, here we are facing a global food shortage. Worst drought and heat ever in the United States of America. People there already hoarding food supplies.
Big people in Barbados are also preparing. And I was about to advise all and sundry to do likewise: plant fruit trees; veggies; keep rabbits and yardfowls (my family won’t eat commercial eggs since Nefertari Caddle gave me a flock); a few goats and a pig; make cassava hats like I do in case flour runs out (better for you too).
Above all, insist that Government take urgent action to bring idle agricultural land back into production.
Dr Joseph took the opposite view. Instead of “sucking on sugar and sliding on banana peel”, he says we should put our resources behind stars like Rihanna. My farm-fresh wife was outraged. “Can you eat Rihanna?” she asked. One’s imagination ran riot but I elected not to answer.
However, I’m now convinced Dr Joseph is right. Sir Cow, we don’t need all this hard work. There’s money in celebrities. Even in these tough economic times, $80 shows are packed.
As Dr Jo reminded us, look at Allen Stanford. He made billions growing Ponzis. Sir Cow and I may feel we’re too old for those cucumbers Stanford is probably being served with in prison but there are other examples.
Saturday before last, Annie the Clown shouted me off. Mr Springer, the vegetable man, was amazed at the excited safari jeep passengers chanting: “Lowdown! Lowdown!” Then a hot mamma from New York stopped by and was dumbfounded.
“Wait,” she said, “goats, farmer, Morgan Lewis . . . you must be Richard Hoad! Ohmigod, I don’t believe this! I met Richard Hoad!” And she shook my hand 20 times and hugged me warmly. On hearing that I went to school with Al Gilkes, apparently a much bigger celebrity over there, she went ballistic.
But how to get rich out of this celebrity thing? I have that covered too: association. My daughter met a Rasta in town selling an array of tiny perfume tubes. Hear the names: Michelle Obama, Barack Obama, Chris Brown, Rihanna and one probably for sno-cone lovers – Lick Me All Over.
Two for $5. I’m trying a Lick Me All Over/Rihanna combination. No results so far.
So my first move will be a line of Lowdown fragrances, some with alternative names. You can ask for: Confession or Sanka, Ridley or 6:28, Bend Down or 6:30. If you’re in a hurry, go for James or Break-Break; prolong it with Froon or Phasezzzz.
For married men, The Wife or Not Tonight. And The Sister-in-law or Frustration. (Beats me why sisters-in-law refuse you the one teeny favour you really need, yet come into your dreams and do the same thing with wild abandon.)
I expect my best sales from Mother-In-Law, based on a perfume a tourist lady gave my daughter. The worst smelling imaginable, but it turned out to be the best mosquito and sand-fly repellent ever. If I find out what it is, I’ll make millions.
Sir Cow, there could be a fortune in your Polo Horse Weewee.
Remind me also to tell you about Cleopatra’s Cauldron, another brilliant money-making idea.
• Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator.