Right now I feel low and worthless. I feel bad and shame about what I’ve been doing, so much so that I don’t even like to see myself in a mirror. This feeling hurting me so bad that every day I have a sticking pain in my chest, and my stomach always feel empty even though I’m eating.
All I do is cry because I know that no matter what I do or say; no matter how much I truly regret doing what I did, if ever what I did gets out, my life will never be the same again. My mother will hate me forever; and she is the only body that was always there for me – so I don’t want to lose her love.
So I cannot do the right thing; I could never be as honest as I want to be, and tell my mother the truth behind why I keep feeling so sick, and why I’m crying all the time.
My situation is about what I did to my mother. You see, I was involved with her boyfriend; I had sex with her man twice for money to buy some things I wanted. Now he wants me to do it with him all the time and keeps pestering me about it. He says that we could keep it a secret and that he would take care of me right through.
But I can’t do it. I feel sick in my stomach seeing him kiss my mother on the mouth and hugging her up, but then come to do the same thing to me. I can’t handle that but he don’t seem to realize that or even care about what I am saying to him.
I told him I realize what I did with him was a mistake and will never do it again, but he doesn’t seem to understand what I’m feeling or even wants to hear me on it. He says that I’m nothing but a user and a little whore. I took his money for sex, and now that I bought what I wanted don’t want anything to do with him. He told me from now on don’t ask him for anything again.
Since then he has scolded me for the way I dress in front of my mother. Usually she used to pick at me for that and he wouldn’t say anything, but he is joining her now. I didn’t say anything but I feel things are going to get worse for me because I have not allowed him to continue having sex with me.
It shows me that he is just as bad as me too. From his actions I realize that he really doesn’t care about my mother and is only there with her for now. He is, like most men, out to just have a good time without caring who he hurts.
I am not blaming him though for this mess; I blame myself. I wanted what I wanted and I knew he liked me from the way he always watched me and made comments to me when mummy was not around.
I knew he would give me what I wanted if I asked him and allowed him to touch me because once he touched my breast and I slapped him in his face and told him I was going to tell my mother. He gave me $20 and told me sorry, so I never said a word.
After that he would pass and touch me on my behind and I would tell him he has to pay me if he touches me, and he always gave me a $20 note. So when I asked my mum for certain items and she told me things were tight, he came to me afterwards and said he would give them to me if I allowed him to make love to me.
At first I told him no. I thought he was a real stinking man to want to have me and my mother together. But every day I saw him he would find some way to tell me that his offer still stood. I ignored him for a couple of weeks, but then my boyfriend hurt me badly. He went with another woman and I found out. I was vex with him and wanted to get back at him so I went to my mum’s friend and told him everything I wanted and asked him if he would give me if I allowed him to have sex with me just once.
He told me that as my list was longer he wanted me at least four times. I refused, so he said three times. I said I would do it twice for everything, and that’s when he agreed.
So after he gave me the money the next day, we did it. Though I did everything he wanted, I never enjoyed it. I felt guilty; my conscience was pricking me while he was on top of me. I just could not believe that I could have done something like that – how I could stoop so low. I just laid down and prayed he would finish fast and leave me alone.
That’s why I feel so sick in my stomach and have pains in my chest. What I did is unforgiveable. I would never forgive my mother if she had my man, so I know she will not forgive me.
Worse though is having to stand his nasty grin whenever he sees me now. He knows what I look like and what my body feels like, and the way he looks at me tells me he will never let me forget it. I can’t believe I was so stupid.
