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THE LOWDOWN: Could ‘Thatcher’ Mottley bell the cat?

Richard Hoad

THE LOWDOWN: Could ‘Thatcher’ Mottley bell the cat?

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First ting: “I ’fraid Mia Mottley!” I made this statement sotto voce at a recent gathering. In my case it was nothing out of the ordinary. I fear the fairer sex, including my wife.
When, as mentioned recently, wanton women at Ridley Greene’s Bush Bar bash started wining on me, I felt totally helpless. And even more so when noted on-the-spot attorney Hal Gollop advised me, pro bonically I hope, that recourse to the law courts would get me nowhere. A dentist who tried that was laughed out of town.
Similarly, there is at one gas station an extremely attractive young lady who has obviously spotted my weakness and takes advantage at will. Knowing I can’t retaliate in kind, she often seductively pokes me in the chest. We Hoad men have sensitive nipples and I can scarce forbear to harbour impure thoughts during, and long after, the res ipsa.
Mind you, I’m all in favour of pokey female gas station attendants. My concern is that someday she will pull out my dipstick and make embarrassingly fulsome remarks about its length. Reaching for dipsticks falls within the purview of gas station attendants and Mr Gollop would no doubt adjudge it part of her job description under the new Labour Act Cap 69.
So, it’s not surprising that I’m afraid of Mia Mottley. What’s surprising is that several others nodded their heads imperceptibly and one even whispered a muted “Me too!”
Second ting: My old headmaster John Hammond was wont to observe that any time in history a ruler earned the sobriquet “Good”, he was usually ineffective. “Good”, well liked people do not make good rulers.
Third ting: It was customary in times of crisis for the Roman senate to issue a decree entitled Senatus consultum de re publica defendenda: “Videant consules ne res publica detrimenti capiat” (meaning, “let the consuls see to it that the state suffer no harm”.)
Fourth ting: It is the considered opinion of many that our country is headed for, or actually in, such a crisis. Spending lavish amounts to employ hordes of road workers is no way, as Peter Wickham has pointed out, to claw your way out of an economic downturn.
This Government’s focus seems to be the preservation of Government jobs, no matter if the rest of the country sinks into oblivion. They would do well to study the example of PM Sandiford, who stood steadfast against a tsunami of criticism and took bold necessary steps to save us.
Mind you, one is not inappreciative of the innovative new job opportunities now in evidence. One sees phalanges (plural of “phalanx”) of “Jersey barrier hole pokers” armed with spears, pikes, sarissas or similar weaponry, accompanied by equal numbers of “Jersey barrier crack pokers”.
(Basically, hole pokers poke the holes within the barriers to dislodge debris; crack pokers poke the cracks between barriers for the same reason. If still confused about the difference between “holes” and “cracks”, please consult resident expert Sanka Price.)
And the UWI, we understand, is opening up a whole new Faculty of Weediwhackology dedicated to training our youth in the use of those omnipresent implements. This new field is expected to replace agriculture in the not too distant future with current research directed towards inventing a silent, one-handed weediwhacker which wouldn’t hinder the worker’s constant use of his cellphone.
Last ting: Having regard to the above tings, I am humbly proposing that the present crisis demands urgent radical action, in contrast to the leisurely, measured approach which is the hallmark of the present administration. This is not a time for “good” people.
I am suggesting therefore that we take a novel approach: let the feared Miss Mottley take over the reins of Government to do a Thatcher job and get this country back on track. Let her be mandated to deal drastically with a bloated, inefficient public sector where the honest, hard-working civil servants have their sterling efforts negated by the too many politically encouraged do-nothings.
At the end of five years or whatever, she will be expected to hand it back over in much improved sailing conditions where our leader can relax at the helm and quote Latin phrases ad libitum: verbum sapienti satis est.
Fond farewell to Glenroy Straughn, a stalwart in the best Bajan tradition.
• Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator.