De English language is a thing of beauty and when used by a proper wordsmith, can bring joy to de reader.
De Vendor love analogies becausing dem does bring home de point in a powerful way – tek. fuh example, a worker in a job review before de boss; de boss tell he that where he de worker was concerned, he, de boss, had mixed emotions. De fella was lil confused and beg fuh an explanation.
“Mixed emotions, sir?”
Is like this, Piggott, de bossman say, you see my new BMW five out wid parallel parking dat you know is my pride and joy? Yes sir I do, I does mek sure dat not a vagabond don’t go near it, sir.
Well, says de bossman, mixed emotions would be my seeing dat new BMW going over Hackleton’s Cliff wid de mother-in-law at de wheel!
A youngster preparing fuh 11-Plus ask he father de difference between confident and in confidence; dad pondered fuh a minute and then tell he, “You watch dat IPL match de other day wid me when Chris Gayle went berserk and lash 170 not out off just 70 balls, mekking de fastest hundred in first class cricket, now dat man was confident.”
De youngster smile at he father and say yeah, daddy, ah got dat one down pat, but wha bout de other one, “in confidence?”
Well, says he father, Akibo, yuh friend from next door, is really yuh half brother, but I tell you dat strictly in confidence!”
One of me friends from de mother country send de Vendor a classic. Market, he say, his Lordship was in de study of Downton Abbey when de butler approach and cough discreetly.
“May I ask a question, milord?”
“Go ahead, Carson,” said his Lordship.
“I am doing the crosswords in the Times and I have come across a word I am not too clear on.”
“What word is that?”said his Lordship.
“Aplomb,” milord.
“Now that’s a difficult one to explain; I would say it is composure or complete self-assurance.
“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge came to spend a weekend with us?”
“I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”
“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”
“I was present, milord, ministering to their needs.”
“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself very deeply in his thumb.”
Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”
“That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore that Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.
“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, Darling, does your prick still throb?”
And you, Carson, did not spill a drop of coffee!
Now that is aplomb!
• I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now; you have a blessed and wonderful day, yuh hear?
