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THE LOWDOWN: Putting things in wrong places


Richard Hoad

THE LOWDOWN: Putting things in wrong places

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The alluring Ayesha apparently thought of asking me to talk to her writing students. Actually, I need lessons myself. Last week’s column, for instance, was a classic example of careless writing and its consequences.
For a start, my intended title was “Rolling crabs gather no stones”, admittedly a feeble attempt to combine two proverbs but at least not raunchy like “Rolling stones gather no crabs”.
And then the unpardonable sin. The best job in the universe was meant to be “sleeping with naked me”, not “sleeping naked with me” as appeared. Because of that misplaced adjective, some gentlemen offered to buy the wife pyjamas and others to sleep with her.
For the record, the lady in Roberts feed store was fully supportive of sleeping naked. And I’m sure the wife wished she had done just that earlier this week rather than sweating in a nightie. Her favourite grandson came for his morning snuggle and, probably as a result of reading columnist Rhonda Blackman’s rant against lying, declared: “Geez, grannie, all over you smells just like under your armpit!”
Anyway, Ayesha’s writing students, make sure you say what you mean. And beware of putting things in the wrong place.
Which brings me to this storm-in-a-teacup male homo debate. How a small percentage of our population has managed to convince the world that they are severely disadvantaged and need all this special attention is beyond me. But I have held my peace.
No more. My computer got attacked by a barrage of “Trojan backdoor viruses”, also known as “homosexually inserted viruses” or HIVs. Total lockdown. If I typed one single letter, the whole system would freeze. The tech took off 25 Trojans but it’s still infected.
So let’s get to the bottom of the homo explosion. Firstly, in human society, anyone who is different gets ragged about it. Short people, tall ones, fat, thin, ugly, bald, bearded, white, black, Chinese, Indian, you name it. These people cannot hide or escape these conditions. Some fat people are so ashamed they don’t appear in public.
On a personal note, I went through school and university preferring never being able to read a blackboard to the indignity of wearing glasses. An Indian gentleman, obviously another Rhonda Blackman convert, recently told my wife he was the Patel who, when he first met me, couldn’t help remarking how unbelievably ugly I was. I have been on tour with university students and when I said I don’t drink strong, our host remarked, “Oh, let’s see if we have any coconut water for the ladies.”
Homos get far fewer attacks of this kind than the rest of us even if their lifestyle is known. They go to parties with their partners, hold prominent positions in governments, in business, in the media, entertainment and sports. No one could call them disadvantaged in Barbados.
Secondly, there is a myth that homo couples just want each other. That is nonsense. Hetero males, except the devoted few like Michael Pile and I, want to hit on your wives and daughters. Homos want your husbands and sons.
One tackled me on my donkey down by Sandy Lane, running his hand up my thigh and telling me what “lovely limbs” I had. Another tried to get me to pass water next to him, an obvious ploy to see my duguri.
The buggery law (which incidentally applies to male/male and male/female contact) in no way deters male homos from doing their thing. But it does give protection in case a youth is raped as they can’t claim he gave consent.
So how come homos have pushed their agenda to the point where gay “marriage” is legalized, Jamaican Rasta singers must apologize (although any other group can be targeted), European nations are tying aid to homo “rights” and all the other foolishness?
Short answer: bullying. And Barbados must stand firm and not bend over to accommodate them. Instead we should research whether the apparent homo explosion is due to factors like today’s boys wearing underpants or being fed soya loaded with female hormones, or if they are falling prey to a highly organized enrolment campaign.
And let us not forget, they who have relations with animals (legal in many countries) will demand equal rights. As will we who are designated “DGNs” (don’t get nones), “lackanookeys” or simply “sufferers”.
• Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator.

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