THE AL GILKES COLUMN: Living in a ‘sixual sixtuation’
It’s without doubt the dream of every young man to experience and the regret of every old man not to have experienced a ménage à trois.
It’s quite easy for both the young and the old to conceptualize and mentally live the variety of activities, configurations and placements that can be achieved by that number of three with one going there, the other coming here and the third being all over the place.
However, what today has my brain in pain trying to picture is having what would be a ménage à six. In case you are not familiar with the French tongue, six translates into English as six. Ha-Ha.
How would you operate in a “sixtuation” like that with you alone against five? But that’s what has been occupying my mind since hearing about a man living in Salt Lake City in the United States who is being featured in a TV special titled My Five Wives and, as the title suggests, he has five wives. The producers were waiting to see the ratings after it was aired again last Monday night to determine whether to turn it into a full series.
Personally, I am hoping that those ratings are way up in the skies because I want to see them do a series in the hope that it shows how he operates in the bedroom.
That he has five wives is nothing unusual in that part of the world, the state of Utah and the Mormon religion, which from inception has, like all those men in the Old Testament, embraced polygamy. And he is definitely a man of action, having already fathered 24 children which is an average of five per wife. Talk about licks!
With him being only 43 years old, he is like the Bunny going and going in the opposite direction. So I wouldn’t be surprised if by the time he reaches 50, he produces another ten or so children since the youngest wives still have a lot of drinks left in their bottles and quite a few child-bearing years on their account as well.
Back to the “sixual sixtuation” that would be a ménage à six. Now I can work it out that with five wives, the man would have a monthly action plan with specific days and nights appointed for each. He got married to the fifth 14 years ago when he was peaking sexually at age 29. So I would not be surprised if back then, he had a five-day/night work week, getting up occasionally for some overtime on the off days. That activity is quite easy to picture.
I would also assume that on some days/nights, he would have demanded or be called on to work two jobs or even three back-to-back because the energy of youth was on his side. Obviously, there would also be the periodic occasions when he would have volunteered for ménage à trois. Again, that is activity I have no difficulty visualizing.
What gave me great brain strain and pain was trying to work out what would happen or indeed happens on those nights when one thing leads to another, then another, then another, then another until eventually he finds himself being forced to rise to his biggest occasion and perform a job all by himself that normally would be reserved for five individual men.
Then out of the blue, the Bible flashed across my mind and almost forced me to bury my head in the deep freeze to cool it down when King Solomon came to mind and I attempted to picture him dealing with 700 wives and 300 outside women.
No doubt he was an ancient alien with a trunk of detachables in his possession.
• Al Gilkes heads a public relations firm.