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DE MARKET VENDOR: Things dat would mek yuh laugh


BEA DOTTIN, [email protected]

DE MARKET VENDOR: Things dat would mek yuh laugh

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Life got plenty challenges but it also got plenty humour, things dat does mek yuh smile if only yuh look carefully. I like to look at de funny side of life, it does ensure that my days got joy in dem.
One day, de Vendor gine into a certain restaurant and a man who does be in de car park beg me to “bring back a hot beverage for me when yuh coming back, Sir”. He is a fella dat always polite and clean. “What would you like?” I asked, expecting to hear ‘a coffee’. No, he wanted a Café Mocha!
‘Pun leaving, I order de Café Mocha and ask de cashier if he really like Café Mocha. Oh yes, she says, he very specific. I ask why he don’t wash cars and mek a few extra dollars. De woman roll she eyes and reply: “Well, he does wash cars but only at night ‘cause he say de sun too hot during de day!”
Bajan beggars special!
Years ago, de Vendor leaving CBC in a car behind Lenridge Straker and some argument brek out between he and de guard at de gate. Next day, I enquire what was dat all about. Hear Lennie: “He beg me fuh 50 cents, all I had was a $2 bill. I give de idiot my money. He rebuke me and tell me how ‘I ask you for 50 cents, why you giving me $2, you tink I hand to mout?’”
A helper I had one time used to use some terms dat used to mek me laugh hearty. One time she hear dat somebody important had died and was trying to explain who dead. She kept insisting I knew de man and dat he had invented many things. Finally, she remembered dat he had invented de iPot – she meant Steve Jobs. I had to explain: “No, no, it is an iPod, not a iPot.” She had me looking to see if we had some new kitchen utensil.
Another time, just come back from Britain, de same helper enquire if I had bought underwear for de Madam. “Underwear?” I declare. “Me, Market Vendor, buying underwear for de madam, and where was I supposed to go and get such?” She tell me I shoulda gone and get some nice quality stuff from Marks and Spanners. I still looking fuh dat store.?De closest I come to is M&S, Marks and Spencers.
A colleague in NY say he had a Jamaican housekeeper and he wife and de woman was constantly misunderstanding each other. One evening, de wife call and ask de housekeeper to (h)eat de food, come home hungry, find empty dishes. “Irene,” she holler out, “where de food?” Hear Irene: “Mistress, mek I fe tell you something. Yuh call and tell me fe (h)eat de food and I (h)ate it all!”
I can’t swear ‘bout de las’ one but de rest true.
Which reminds me of a true story, during de era of Prime Minister Tom Adams. Tom had a personal driver name Slims, in de days when if yuh know somebody at de airport you coulda walk out to de plane and say goodbye. Slims went to see a friend off and sit down in de plane. De next thing yuh know, de plane tek off wid Slims and end up in JKF, no passport, no visa. He spend de night compliments Uncle Sam and get send back home next day. Not a moment to get some Marks and Spanners underwear nor a iPot.
• I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?

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