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THE LOWDOWN: Joyce the turkey lady goes to church


RICHARD HOAD

THE LOWDOWN: Joyce the turkey lady goes to church

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The old people say, “Whuh ain’t ketch yuh, ain’t pass yuh”, meaning you shouldn’t feel too cocky because something bad is bound to happen sooner or later. That is foolishness. 
How many evenings have I spent here worrying needlessly that Rihanna may stop by with car troubles. And next thing primeval instincts take over and my wife walks in to catch us locked in intimate embrace. Well it hasn’t happened and it ain’t gonna happen either. I would never forget to lock the front door first.
Better advice came from Mr Cumberbatch, a stockman at the Pine Livestock Station back in the 60s, when he heard me whining about “things rough”. “Don’t limp before you’re lame”, he told me and those words have stayed with me ever since.
So I would be a hypocrite and a half if I joined the gloom and doom brigade. Let’s not limp before we’re lame. Too many storms have come our way and tacked off at the last minute. Look how the other islands were supposedly doing better and what happened? Down comes a deluge, lives lost, roads gone, widespread damage almost overnight. 
Now we’re trying to assist them.
Best Christmases
No lie, I had one of the best Christmases ever. Guyanese Norma Gullin donated her special salt fish and bakes. Mother-in-law food on Christmas Day. Baked pork, ham, pepperpot, the jug was perfect, peas and rice, food can’t done. 
The wife splurged on high-end Barefoot Moscato wines from California in red and white, the first time we’ve hit such opulence.
And Santa was in form. Underwears, a spotlight, a Kindle, a fancy case in genuwine leather from Republic Bank which fit the Kindle, Ferrero Rocher chocolattos from Connor, Sandy and Spencer which served as dessert. Con, Sand and Spence are Jutta Moore’s dogs who guzzle Hoad’s goat milk. Most treasured was Morris Greenidge’s Bridgetown Barbados which will bring unlimited pleasure.
The Kindle is wonderful. Download a book in seconds for $6. Just touch a word to get its meaning. 
It’s no match, however, for a real book. I read in the bathroom until the book hits the floor which means it’s bed time. Can’t risk that with the Kindle.
Then there’s versatility. Many times I’m engrossed in some hot topic when I suddenly realize a seven-inch creature has emerged from between my legs. Flattering, if it didn’t have forty legs and menacing stingers. Santapee slaughter is no problem for a book. Also mosquitoes and cockroaches. Try that with a Kindle.
Saturday midday was a Sunbury lunch in honour of Tony and Paula Green’s 40th. More sweet Bajan food. Got to meet Paula’s wonderful Dominica family – only 300 or so could make it to the event including her 92-year-old mother who regaled us with the story of her would-be army husband trying to reach Dominica in a becalmed ship. And the bride-to-be having kittens until she heard his special whistle.
Saturday night more food at Chris and Michelle Sambrano’s 17th. Trini food and parang too. A rejuvenated Myrna Taitt hitting some double beats on the cuatro like never before.
And Sunday was the Burke family lunch at Mouse and Sophie in St George. My cup ranneth over and my plate too. Although there was a bit of a crisis. Apparently there’s a lady named Joyce in St Lawrence who is considered the turkey specialist. You want a turkey cooked proper, take it to Joyce.
However, they forgot that Joyce goes to church on Sundays and the turkey hadn’t been collected. Mud-dog Chris was dispatched post-haste on a mission but he wasn’t sure where exactly Joyce lived.
No problem
Relax, there’s no problem too big for a Bajan with a few rums inside. Everyone knows turkeys go “Gobble, gobble, gobble!” whenever you go “Pee, pee, pee!” It was a simple matter to drive along slowly making the required call and listening for a reply. The turkey lady was found.
Add to all that the Defence Force Band playing Christmas selections on CBC under the astute directorship of my good friend Alfred Taylor. Alfred and I played together for a while with Kean Springer. Me, out of my depth but enjoying every moment.
Finally we had Trevor Marshall in fine fettle on Morning Barbados, singing and speechifying lustily. How could I be complaining?
Happy New Year, folks!
 
•? Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator. Email [email protected]   

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