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I CONFESS: Hoping some day I can love again

mialisafenty, [email protected]

I CONFESS: Hoping some day I can love again

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WHO CAN YOU trust when the woman you love and believe in looks straight into your eyes, and in tears tells you she loves you, and then, hours later, goes and has sex with another man?
For those men who never went through that, I can tell you it is the worst feeling you can possibly have.
You feel as if somebody beat you up as you get pain all over; your stomach feels empty; you feel ashamed and don’t want to face the world as you think everybody knows of her indiscretion.
Then you think of the act itself. Did she do the same thing with him that she does with you? Did she use protection? Did she enjoy him better than she enjoyed you?
But more than these burning questions, you want revenge.
You want to hurt her for embarrassing you and making you feel small and stupid.
You want to make her suffer badly.
How dare she do that to you after you gave her so much of yourself? Clearly, she has no conscience and disrespects your relationship.
You also want to get back at the man who violated the sanctity of your marriage. How could he do something like that?
And I can go on. I know so much about this because I have been through this – not once but twice.
The first time I was a teenager, and though I felt hurt because of what happened, I soon rebounded.
But a marriage is different. That is an emotional and financial investment. So when my wife cheated on me, she turned my mind against women forever. I don’t believe I can ever let myself get close to anyone again, so now I’ll probably get old and die alone.
After she hurt me, I built a wall around myself that no one can ever penetrate. The pain of anyone who has a long, lonely life and dies alone still cannot possibly compare with the pain I carry with me every single day. It isn’t enough for me to be good-looking, make a good living, be intelligent, and get a lot of female attention.
My ex-wife played so many games with my mind for so long that I can’t even enjoy intimacy.
I’m still a relatively young man but there’s no way I would ever risk a so-called romance again. I can’t help but think that while some men might like to count their conquests, there are some women who like to count how many guys they have utterly crushed and ruined.
I did not do anything to deserve to be treated so shabbily.  All I am guilty of is loving her.
Looking back I can see that I was a puppet on a string. She used me and encouraged me to turn my back on my friends and family. What a fool I was.
That’s why I think twice about every woman that comes up to me now because I wonder if they are just out to use me. And these days with the economy so bad, more than ever women are certainly going to be out to get as much as possible out of men – and then having squeezed the life out of them, leave them out.
Men in Barbados need to understand that and move accordingly.
But I ramble. The point is whenever people talk about cheating, they always blame men.
And you always hear how men are worthless, that they can’t be faithful or be trusted, and that they do not live up to their responsibilities and things like that.
I agree that many men over the years have been like that.
At the same time, though, there are other men, like myself, who are not like that.
We love and respect our women the way real men should. It is a pity that women don’t realise that they’re still men like us around and don’t cheat on us.
I threw away four years of my life with that woman and I’m hurting and keeping people off of me because of that experience.
But I hope that someday I will be able to get over her and be able to truly love someone again.
That’s what I really want.