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GAL FRIDAY: But, hold on one minute guys


Veoma Ali

GAL FRIDAY: But, hold on one minute guys

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Kudos to the fact-finders who present us with the “Numb3rs” every Friday. . . I like reading them and getting to know how important certain importations are to our country. Like last week’s.
The fact that we surpassed the 2012 toilet paper bill in 2013 by almost $1.5M was of import and interest to me, for it meant one of a few things: we may be spending more for the same old TP; or, we may have needed to clean up a bit more after ourselves in 2013; or, we may have become more affluent in our habits when it comes to the effluent.
There’s a lady in Bagatelle, for example, who buys scented, coloured toilet paper, so soft that it is supposed to “caress” as opposed to “wipe”. As for me,
I also prefer a special brand . . . but it is one of the cheapest on the market today; and by the way, not imported . . . hear that, Bobbi McKay?
And talking about dropping pants to all the fellas who got the pants dropping off the rear-end, is it because you need to get access to the throne quicker than regular waist-fitted males? Or that it’s too cumbersome and you prefer not to waste time pulling down trousers, plus undies when getting ready to relieve yourself?
Or is it that your cheeks are slightly further apart than the average guy; and you’re afraid of wedgies? What is it? Somebody please explain, because I and many others don’t quite comprehend such low-down behaviour.
Seriously, when it comes to “buts” though, I was eavesdropping on a conversation while in a cubicle at the mall, answering nature’s call.
My stall-mate was either on her cellphone or some strong stuff. Anyway, her tone was restrained, as if to emphasise her point or to de-emphasise her location.
“Any apology followed by the word ‘but’ is an excuse for an apology.” By this time I was washing my hands slowly, taking my time to hear the rest of the remarks in the room. No such luck.
I only heard something drop and her subsequent exclamation, somewhat appropriate and coincidental, considering the place we were in. Isn’t what she said true, though? The “but” always gets in the way . . . especially for us well-endowed Caribbean women, who sometimes don’t like to admit when we’re wrong?
But, I digress. I was mentioning “low-down behaviour” and I am now fortuitously – nay, fatefully, directed to glance in the direction of angels, as if peering towards the North Star, for the scribe above me has made it known that he is on the cusp of a quarter century’s celebration. And so today’s column shall end with “An Ode to Hoad”.
Oh, how the years so quickly pass
Amidst puns and pigs and  goats and gas!
‘Twas an April, one score and five afore
You came and were happy, with jokes galore!
Here’s to another round – a whole half century filled with wit;
Just don’t make it any bigger, Hoadie . . . or else you won’t fit!
Veoma Ali is an author, actor, broadcaster, advertising exec and most importantly, a karaoke lover.

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