Afraid to confess affair with ex-lover
I am a regular reader of your column and I like the advice you give other readers. I am a young mother in my early 20s.
I am writing you today because I’m stressed out and haunted by what I have done. I was in a relationship for about five years with the father of my child. I love him with all my heart, but he cheated on me more than once; each time I forgave him. We went back together and then moved in together. Things were great for the first four months, but then he went back to his old self.
Here is what is really killing me inside. We broke up, but still lived together. During the time of our break-up, I had a sexual relationship with one of his close friends. Mind you, he was not paying any attention to me or the child. He would come home whenever he felt like it, or sometimes, would not even bother to come home.
This other friend made me feel good and I would always enjoy myself with him, even though I knew deep down inside I was still in love with my child’s dad.
I finally decided to move back home and broke off my relationship with this guy. However, we got back together but the relationship did not last long because his girlfriend got pregnant. In fact, out of the blue he called to tell me he wanted the relationship to end.
Now, my former boyfriend and I have made plans to work things out between us.
I don’t know what to do. What I have done is haunting me, but I do not know what to do.
The worst thing about this is that my child’s father asked me if I was having a relationship with his friend and I swore to him that we are just friends.
Here is my question for you: Should I tell my child’s father what I have done, or let him find out on his own? I am afraid of both happening because he is hot-headed and drinks alcohol.
I love my child’s father so much and just would not like him to find out about this relationship. I know now that I have made a mistake.
The other guy is making plans to marry the mother of his child, and does not want anyone to mess that up, or to know what happened between us.
I don’t know what to do. I need some advice from someone else other than my close friends.
Christine, can you help me? I’m going crazy on the inside. Thanks in advance.
You’ve become caught up in a messy web, but there are some things you must ponder before you go confessing.
Has your child father told you about the individual(s) he would have been seeing while you two were not involved sexually? I guess the answer would be “no”.
Do you think he has anything to confess? The answer is probably “yes”.
The man you’ve started a relationship with while you and your child’s father were apart has made it abundantly clear that he is focused on his upcoming marriage and would not want to do anything to put his marriage in jeopardy.
Think deeply on all that I’ve pinpointed, then ask yourself who will get the blame and the shame when the beans are spilled.
If you are willing to confess, you must also ask your child’s father to confess. This is a man who has cheated on you more than once and yet you’re willing to put up with him.
Do you believe it will be any different the next time around?
Learn from your past. Both of these men are cheaters and are probably very good at the game. This man may be the father of your child, but he may not be the man for you.
I believe you need to give yourself a timeout. Sit back, consider where you are going with your life and stop running from one man to the next. I know it may sound harsh, but you honestly need to take stock of your life.
You mentioned you’ve moved back home and that may be the best place to be right now.
I’ve given you much to consider. Right now the ball is in your court.