DEAR CHRISTINE: Loving – a two-way street
I want to comment on the letter which appeared in last week’s Dear Christine column under the headline Words Of Advice To Men.
First and foremost, I want to commend you for your response. It was balanced, fair and very appropriate to the writer of the letter.
In case readers are unsure about what I am referring to, the letter was about a young woman who disclosed that
she had to finish her relationship with her then boyfriend because he was not loving enough, never paid her any compliments, or displayed any affection. Worse of all, according to her, he was not great in bed and her desires were not being fulfilled.
She felt after that experience with this guy, she was “educated enough” to tell men how to treat their partners.
You rightfully informed this woman that “it takes two to tangle” and she also has a part to play when it comes to showing affection and love for one’s partner.
Christine, too many women live with the notion that men are to pursue them, court them and love them intimately without them having a part to play.
We men also need affection and love. We also want to be courted and wined and dined at some point. We want to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. We want to know that the woman who has become the object of our desire is fair, trustworthy and not cheating on us.
We want to know that they love us for whom we are; rather than for what we can give them – financial or otherwise.
We want them to talk to us about their desires, sexual needs and fantasies, the same way we are willing to talk to them about ours. We want them to stop having hang-ups about how their bodies look and to understand that men can see way beyond the physical beauty.
In short, Christine, we want our womenfolk to meet us halfway. It cannot always be about what they need and what they want. It cannot always be about their feelings. We men have feelings to.
Too many women believe they must lie still in bed and let the man do whatever he wants with their bodies. What about the man? Aren’t his feelings important too? What about his body.
Do they take time to satisfy his desires – to love and caress?
Christine, like you, I also want to be fair. I agree with you 100 per cent that some men do not know how to treat their women.
Vice versa, some women just do not know how to treat their men.
In conclusion, I believe the two must communicate effectively. They should tell each other about their likes and dislikes; what pleases them and how they can be fulfilled during those intimate moments.
No one goes into a restaurant and just asks for food. There is a menu and the individual asks for the specific item on the menu. It’s the same when husbands and wives come together. They must know what pleases the other person. If you’re an individual who is courting, find out what your boyfriend or girlfriend loves most.
If we would practise proper “sexual communication” and be more concerned about pleasing the other person, rather than thinking only about our own needs, more relationships and marriages would be successful.
I know I have said more than I intended to say, but I truly hope my two cents’ worth of advice on this subject would go a long way in keeping relationships fresh and seeing more gratification in bedrooms around the world.
– Pappa Sam
Dear Pappa Sam,
Thanks for obviously sharing from the heart, and giving us some lessons on love and sex. It’s true that too often selfishness, wrong beliefs and wrong attitudes in the bedroom lead to stalled marriages, divorce and other complications in other intimate forms of relationships.
There must be a give and take and a clear understanding between the two parties. If these things are lacking, there will always be a disconnection and, ultimately, a total breakdown in the relationship.