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Me donkey want water

Richard Hoad

Me donkey want water

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From small I was into donkeys. I didn’t want bicycle, scooter, pellet gun nor “bone arrow” as I used to call it. I was a donkey man. My parents got me one when I was about eight or nine. Then the fun began.
Actually the fun began even before I got her. Brother Ted was keeping Dusty at his house in Worthing when she got loose one morning and ran nearly to Hastings with him in hot (and often indecently exposed) pursuit clad only in an old pyjama pants.
There were amusing times. Once I was taking her to be clipped at Canefield. The rain came down and, knowing that Archie Goodman wouldn’t clip a wet animal, I put my raincoat on the donkey while getting wet myself, much to the delight of drive-by motorists. Dangerous times when she darted in front of a bus on one occasion and a cane truck on another.
Eventually I got a male, Spark Plug. Dusty turned out to be a nympho and the two would mate every day when we were out riding. She had a great sex life but no babies.
Spark Plug was involved in a celebrated incident down by Central playing field. We were in a three-donkey race with a fellow named Percy who had a fast female. We didn’t know she was on heat until she came to a sudden dead stop. Spark Plug took a flying leap onto her back, pinning Percy between the two asses. Percy was a chubby sort which threw off Sparky’s aim.
As he thrust high and low it was touch and go for a while as to whether he would effect the female’s ultimate pleasure or Percy’s immediate ruin.
Good days, those donkey days. I had another female in later life and, though donkeyless for many years now, remain a devoted donkey man.
It was exciting therefore to note that fellow Friday columnist Looka Lew was on the lookout for five donkeys on one occasion and another a few weeks later. “This time this donkey is not for the National Cultural Foundation”, he wrote, “this one is for me . . .”
Lew probably isn’t a donkey fanatic like I am. He’s on the hunt for cheaper transport.
Then out of the blue a former schoolmate sent me this video:
The language is crude and some scenes troubling but roughly it details how boys, and adult males as well, have relations with female donkeys on the northern coast of Colombia. This is considered perfectly normal, and even desirable, as part of their growing up and development.  
Sex with animals goes way back to prehistoric times when even gods weren’t averse to turning into a swan or bull cow to have their way with a human female. It is legal in some countries (including Brasil if you’re going for more than football) and many experts deem it just another sexual preference like homosexuality. In fact, it became legal in some cases when sodomy was legalised.
A man having relations with a female animal could be considered more “normal” than two men. It need occasion the animal no discomfort and probably won’t lead to a life-threatening disease.
You see what happens when you open a Pandora’s box? I can see no option but for Sir George Alleyne, Peter Wickham and others calling for the repeal of sodomy and buggery laws to throw their full support behind the zoophiliacs. BLTG and Z! After all, our sexual preferences are a guaranteed human right, right?
By the way, I can’t accept Wickham’s contention that UWI was justified in firing Professor Brendon Bain from an AIDS organisation because he said men having sex with men is risky. Am I to believe that Dr Tony Gale could not head a lung cancer body because his similar views on tobacco might offend smokers?
Indeed, Wickham himself has oft-stated views on homosexuality, Christianity and “adult” entertainment which offend most Barbadians. Yet no one has called for him to be fired as moderator of a popular call-in programme.
Anyhow, Lew, you hold strain. If this donkey thing catches on, Ralphie can done with the marijuana foolishness and go into donkey export big time. You and I could get one apiece, and maybe Veoma too. For transport, of course.
Richard Hoad is as farmer and social commentator. Email [email protected]