Need hubby to be more intimate
MY LETTER is not a long one, just a need to ask a question which I hope you will help me with.
My husband does not seem to understand the difference between intimacy and intercourse. How can I get him to understand?
This is a topic which is always up for discussion and because it is, I often feel that men are getting a lot of bad publicity only because they do not bother to defend themselves. In fact, some men believe that women only want them for their bodies and their images as studs, and there does not seem to be any woman who knows that men really want more personal closeness.
Why do the men get this bad Press? I wonder if it is because men are still held responsible for the success or failure of sex as a sensual event. They are widely believed to be the natural teachers, the instigators, the ones who make it happen. So, whatever goes wrong, the men blame themselves and the women tend to blame the men.
When there is sex but no intimacy, the man will get blamed. I suggest that the woman has at least 50 per cent of the responsibility for getting what she wants out of sex, whether it is physical satisfaction or the special intimacy two individuals can create between them.
If you want more intimacy along with sex, I think you have to establish it at other times. When things are going nicely, after a meal perhaps, sit next to your husband and instigate some head-on-shoulder closeness. He may assume that this means you want sex right then, but make it plain that you don’t – you only want to be close and cosy without going right into intercourse.
Most men will agree to this, once you make it plain that you want it. If not, you may want to have a heart to heart talk with a counsellor perhaps for some ideas on how to get your needs across to your husband.
The husband who is accustomed to intimacy that does not automatically lead to sex, is more likely to accept sex preceded and followed by low-key intimacy. It may be that he has not really connected the two ideas, being overburdened with the responsibility for making sex a physical success.