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DEAR CHRISTINE: Ring may be coming too late

BEA DOTTIN, [email protected]

DEAR CHRISTINE: Ring may be coming too late

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Dear Christine,
Greetings to you and please keep up the good work you are doing for this nation. You are really a great help. Now to my problem.
Why is it that some men feel they must live in a house with a woman for a number of years before they marry, that is if they do?
They would spend money on land, car or house but when it comes to the woman, they can’t find money to buy a ring to put on her finger to show she is worth more than just a “live with”.
For the past few years I have been living with my friend. This man could not see it fit to propose marriage until now that our children are growing up and asking questions.
If I do get married to him now, it would be to make my children happy, knowing that their mum and dad are “truly together and not living in fornication”.
Over the years I have been losing that respect and love which I had for him, something which would cause me to leave him eventually.
I have explained my feelings to the children and they are willing to follow me if it comes to that, for they also do not approve of his treatment of me in the past.
These men should realise that they have mothers, sisters and daughters and what they like for them, they must also like for their girlfriends.
I am really looking forward to hearing from you on the matter.
­– G
Dear G,
First of all, thanks for your kind greetings. Now to my reply.
I have some mixed views on your situation. I love to be fair, honest and to see things from both sides of the coin.
While, like you, I believe that a man should not want a woman to just “live with” as you stated, without committing to marriage, I cannot blame the man 100 per cent.
It is the woman who consciously makes the decision to “live with” a man, whether she is coerced into doing so by him, or she willingly suggests that she is willing to accept such an arrangement.
While it is also true that “financial” and “other personal circumstances” sometimes determine such an arrangement, I believe if a woman finds herself in such a situation (for whatever reason) and she is not happy after all, she should remove herself from such an arrangement.
From what you have written I get the feeling that you no longer care for and love this man with the same intensity that you did many years ago.
If this is the case, do not marry him. You’ve already said that you’ve lost respect and love for him and this alone would cause you to “leave him eventually”.
I do not think you should marry just to make the children happy.
In a few years they will probably have partners of their own and will be going off to set up their own homes. You will then have to go on living with your husband and if you do not care for him, it will not be worth your while emotionally.
It’s not a nice situation to be tied to a man whom you no longer love and respect. So, examine your real feelings for him.
Right now you are angry, and will probably get over it, but if this anger persists, marriage is not going to help matters.
I also wonder at times at the way some men treat some pretty wonderful women who love and care for them deeply, but as I’ve alluded to before, how much of it do you think is encouraged by the women or other women?
Is it because there is always another woman they can run to; women who conveniently make themselves available even when the men already have partners?
Think deeply about your next move, but something tells me that if the marriage did not take place those many years ago, perhaps it is not meant to be.
The bottom line is: marry if you love him, but not for the sake of the children.