DEAR CHRISTINE: Wife points out past lovers
My wife was pretty loose before we married and is known to have gone the whole way with a number of guys. I knew this before we got married and I made up my mind to let the past be forgotten. It all happened before we got together.
My wife, however, won’t let it be that way. We keep bumping into the same people in this little place and she keeps pointing out this one and that one as somebody she sacked out with.
I have a decent job but that is all that keeps me in the island that I am in.
I have been thinking about finding work somewhere else where she won’t have all these reminiscence-starters. Do you think I should take her somewhere else or stay where I am and just split from her?
I understand your frustration. However, for starters, my first response to your question would be to have a good, old-fashioned talk with your wife and let her know how you feel about what she is doing.
Unless you are offered a better job somewhere else where she can accompany you, then I’ll tell you stay. It’s your wife who has to change more so than you. I also believe that starting the rest of your lives together within a new environment will be great for you, but you’ve got to weigh the pros and cons.
If after you’ve had that long talk your wife still insists on pointing out all her former lovers to you, then I’ll move on to plan B; but only if she does not change.
You are right to want to put the past behind you – not to forget she ever slept around, because you won’t forget that, but it usually happens that a mentally well person can put the past into perspective.
This cannot be done if your companion just won’t leave it in perspective but entertains you with details of her former sex life.
I would like to know why she does this reminiscing with you. Is she urging you to improve your performances as a lover? If she is, that is not the right way.
The right way is to learn to talk about sex with you, learn more about sex with you and to discuss what she wants out of it as well as what you want out of it, so the two of you can please each other. If that is what she wants, there is hope for your marriage and your contentment.
On the other hand, if she does it to goad you, then the problem is not sexual but has roots in some other resentment or discontent that she feels.
You’ll have to find that out. However, if she cannot control the urge to give you pain and unhappiness, you really have to leave her for your own sake. You owe it to yourself and it is as simple as that.