DEAR CHRISTINE: Ex-husband still demands sex
I am divorced and my ex visits me and our daughter, to whom he is very devoted.
I really want him to see her.
I also want to see him get back on track, get rid of his drinking problem, recover his pride and do well, but between us I see no reconciliation.
I have had it with being married to him.
When he comes around he behaves well and is never drunk, although I know he drinks heavily.
The trouble is, he does not come to my home without asking for sex and getting nasty if I refuse him.
I have given in on some occasions and felt more like a hooker than anything else.
This gets me down. How can I deal with this?
Feeling like a hooker is something only a hooker really knows and I think you must get the idea out of your head that you have acted like one or have been treated like one.
You feel angry with your ex (or current, I’m not sure) for pressuring you into sex and you feel annoyed with yourself for having let yourself be pressured into it. Now it’s time to say enough is enough.
Let me say you cannot put the blame totally on him. You are the one who decides when he has sex with you. It’s not a case of rape. What you need is the willpower to say “no”, but perhaps you have not faced up to the fact that you want to have sex as much as he does.
What other reason would you give for allowing sex to take place in the first place time and again?
Your decision to have sex with him will only be reversed when you make up in your mind not to do so.
If as you said you’ve had enough of the married life with him, then you need to assume a separate life for yourself and think about a partnership with someone else.
It does not help either of you to go back to sex with each other if there are no plans to seriously reconcile.
If the temptation comes whenever he turns up to look for his daughter, then you should perhaps go outdoors while they spend their time together, or you need to make sure your daughter is with the both of you throughout his visit.
Other than that, make arrangements from time to time for him to see his daughter in a public place.
By using any of these options, ending up in bed will not be that easy or possible.
Of course, this advice will only be relevant if your real desire is not to have sex with him.