DEAR JOHN: Puzzled by hubby’s behaviour
I write on behalf of my family – a mother and three teenagers, the oldest of whom is 18. My husband and I have been married for 22 years.
He has started something new. He is now coming home later and later every night. On weekends he is coming in at 2 a.m., 3 a.m., or even 4 a.m. He is also on the phone for long periods of time talking to someone.
John, I am worried and confused at these changes in his behaviour. I am beginning to suspect that he has some kind of relationship with another woman. For the last few Sundays he went out to lunch and for the first time he did not take me or the children.
He is a good man, but John, I feel something is happening. His way of behaving is strange and completely new to us as a family.
Please tell us how to deal with this disturbing situation.
– SUSPICIOUS WIFE
DEAR SUSPICIOUS WIFE,
From what you have said in your letter it would appear that your husband is acting unusually different. Quite naturally you suspect that there is another woman but please consider the following:
(1) Look first at yourself and your marriage. Is it boring? Is the bedroom a place of boredom and routine? Do you provide excitement, challenge and surprise in your intimacy?
Has life become routine? Do you take vacations overseas? Do you go on weekend drives or picnics? When last have you both gone out to dinner? Take a serious look at your marriage life and lifestyle.
You may need to make domestic and romantic adjustments to keep him home. Boredom and routine have dampened and even killed many a marriage.
(2) Choose an appropriate moment to discuss this with your husband. I should not have to tell you when. As a married woman you should know when he is most receptive and would be willing to talk.
(3) Do not accuse him of anything without proof. Suspicions can introduce totally unnecessary, unplanned and unwanted problems into marriages. Communicate with your husband.
Tell him your concerns and suggest that together you find ways to bring back spark and excitement into your life if they are identified as missing elements.
(4) After these discussions he may change his behaviour pattern. He may become more careful now that he has been made aware that you are looking at the signals he has been sending. So be careful how you handle the situation.
It may be necessary to do some detective work; follow him, track his movements.
Remember this has to be done with skill and class. Marriage has to be built on trust and respect not on snooping and peeping at each other. Get professional help to do this.
Yes, that can be hired right here on the island but do you need to?
Good luck. Do not panic and let suspicions ruin your marriage.