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THE LOWDOWN: Pig tail and beans


Richard Hoad, [email protected]

THE LOWDOWN: Pig tail and beans

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HAROLD “EMERITUS” HOYTE once opined I do a better job writing foolishness rather than trying to comment intellectually on anything.

I didn’t heed that advice last week and bit the dust big time. Editor called: problems with the column.

My heart started to pound. Relived the nightmare of being sued. Documents from lawyer. Court marshal at the front door bawling out my full name.

Actually I wouldn’t have minded being sued. Take my money, house, land, chattels. Hopefully, the wife too. I would’ve lived. But they didn’t do that.

They did worse. Left that lawsuit hanging over my head to this day. I asked a female lawyer how long they could do that. She said it depended on the Statue of Lamentations. Lamentations described my plight nicely: “See, Lord, how distressed I am. I am in torment within and in my heart I am disturbed.” But I couldn’t find no statue. . . .

Finally, I saw last week’s revised column. Its own mother couldn’t have recognised it, not with her glasses on. But it was a hit. Endorsements from a big-up business lady, from a top calypsonian with colourful language, from a fellow in New York who wants us to have lunch next time he’s here. And so on.
Thank you, NATION crew!

Coward’s response

By the way, for the record no one will ever be sued for defaming Richard Hoad. No matter what he or she may say. I consider that a coward’s response. Anyone with a pen should be able to refute allegations. Trevor Marshall and I fought it out like men some years ago in the local Press.

Having said all that, however, I’m getting the willies over these Bill Cosby allegations. And I may need Trevor to back me up from a historical perspective.

We country boys in my youth had only one technique for getting a girl. You had to manage” her.

Step one was to get her alone and grasp her hands in yours from behind. Step two,
you brought her hands behind her and held them with one of yours. Step three, you used your free hand to roam her infundibula and render her amenable.

This system had several advantages: (1) Only strong fellows got to sire offspring; (2) A girl could easily wriggle free her hands; (3) Or grab you in a most vulnerable area; (4) While meanwhile checking if you had a weapon worthy of her dalliance.

I never got past Step Two and a half. Never got any consideration. But now that I am rich and famous many out there could claim I attempted to rape them. Which is what it would be considered nowadays. Please, Trevor, back me up on this.

Okay, went to Cedric Burke’s birthday bash. Met Anthony Bryan who used to work with Cedric and me at Sugar Producers.

I used to laugh at Bry back then driving from Carrington in St Philip to see a girlfriend at Spring Hall, St Lucy. Not many years later I was living at Spring Hall and driving every night to Hastings to see the wife-to-be. The things men do for li’l loving.

Below-the-belt

Bry’s first question was the usual: how does it feel to be located on top of Veoma? Let me say this: I think that woman is trying a below-the-belt ploy to embarrass me. She knows full well no big-guts politicians are going to tax bellies $100 for every inch over a certain size.

But they might tax men’s parts at a similar rate. I can well imagine her hanging out at the tax office as the calls are made: “Smokey Burke, $300. Al Gilkes, $350. Richard Hoad, here’s a $200 rebate. And a sympathy card for your wife from all of us here at BRA”. Then Veoma would tell everybody.

Former minister Keith Simmons was at the party, looking fit in his 70s. He’s eaten no meat or fish for the past 27 years. Cedric, also now in his 70s, looks just as fit. His favourite food is pig tail and beans. Also makes his own ham. It ain’t the food, folks.

A gentleman there also told me he’s always wanted: one, to grow Jerusalem artichokes; two, to hit me with a bottle. If anyone out there can help him with one maybe he will give up on two.

Happy Independence, Barbados!

Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator.
Email [email protected]

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