DEAR CHRISTINE,
I AM sure that by the time you’ve finished reading my letter, you’ll say that I am not alone in my situation and there are countless other people (both male and female) like me.
You see, I have been seeing my boyfriend for the past seven years – and almost every night. We spend lots of time together and even have dinners at my home, sometimes twice weekly. Since he is from the old school and I do not believe in living together outside of marriage, we have never stayed over at each other’s home.
When we first met, we often had conversations pertaining to getting married but so far I see no indication that this will happen anytime soon.
When we first met I was working part-time, but now I have a steady job and he also has a steady job. We both work for reasonably good salaries. It is not like I have not asked him about getting married – bearing in mind the fact that we are now more financially secure.
He says he has to be absolutely sure that I am the one for him before he gets married since many marriages often end in divorce.
Christine, his response still has me floored. I would think that after seeing each other almost every day and spending so much time together, that he would know by now whether or not he wants to get married to me.
He is familiar with all my habits, my shortcomings, my faults, my love for him and with the fact that I care for him. I also know everything I need to know about him. For the time we’ve been together, I am sure we can truly say “we know each other”.
I am beginning to think that he is very comfortable in the relationship, he knows I am committed to him and he sees no need for us to get married.
What do you think? I am 28 and he is 34.
– M.F.
Dear M.F.,
I must look at this situation from every angle. In so doing, I have to be honest and tell you that there is no magical or set period of time between courtship and marriage.
For some couples it takes weeks, months or prolonged years before they walk down the aisle together. It is all dependent on the parties involved and whether or not they feel ready and prepared to make this great commitment.
Marriage is also a serious step and couples who are getting married must be willing to count the cost and give the matter careful thought.
Having said that, if after seven years he still cannot make up his mind, I think you may have to decide for yourself whether or not you want to wait around much longer.
I cannot say you’re being impatient because you have been patient for the past seven years. The question would be, are you willing to wait around, or do you want to end the relationship?
You need to find out from him what must it take to determine (at this stage) if you are the right one, if you are the one he is currently spending most of his time with.
Does he want to see you and someone else to decide which one of you to choose? Which measuring stick is he using to determine the quality of the relationship?
I can perhaps understand it if he tells you to wait, but to say he does not know (after seven years) if you are the one, seems a bit harsh and insensitive.
Perhaps you need to let him know that under the current circumstances, it is probably not best for you to see each other as often as you do. This decision on your part may help him to make a decision.
There is also another possibility you must face: perhaps this man has no intention of ever getting married but refuses to tell you so.
If you find that your suggestion does not move him in any way, you could as well end the relationship now rather than throw away a few more years of your time and energy on him.
– CHRISTINE
