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DEAR CHRISTINE: Can’t get over wife’s affair


Barbados Nation

DEAR CHRISTINE: Can’t get over wife’s affair

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DEAR CHRISTINE: I am not from your country but I am seeking your advice.

Just over seven months ago, my wife of 13 years confessed to me that she was unfaithful in our marriage.

Let us not go into why the confession came about but she confessed that she had a relationship which lasted for just under three months, with a female.

Her version of the story is that the two of them met at the gym and that the woman was going through some emotional strains in her own marriage due to her husband’s infidelity.

My wife, who is usually, very sympathetic started spending more and more time with this woman who saw her as a shoulder to lean on.

According to my wife, one night she visited this woman at her home when her husband was out of the island and things happened between them, without being planned. The man’s wife said she had grown to love and appreciate my wife, some tears were shed, and from there on, the relationship was formed.

According to my wife, they only got involved on three occasions during the seven-month period that they developed this closeness. She said by the end of the three months she felt very bad about the course the friendship had taken and told the young woman what they were doing was wrong and she could not continue to see her.

When my wife made this confession she said she felt dirty about the whole affair and also felt dishonourable in my sight and in God’s eyes. Being the husband that I am, I was deeply hurt but forgave my wife because I recognised that her “dark secret” – which she kept to herself for the three months, was tearing her up on the inside.

The reason I am writing to you now, is that recently, for no reason, I have started to feel betrayed by and angry with my wife. She has no idea that these feelings exist.

I have always seen her as a faithful wife, mother to our two children and a no-nonsense woman.

I am not sure if her confession has made it easy for me, even though she has acknowledged the fact that she had always been faithful to me up to that point.

I don’t want to say that I no longer trust my wife, but at times, it seems like this incident took place yesterday and I cannot get it out of my mind.

I am sure that I love my wife but why these feelings now? Where do I go from here?

– P

Dear P,
You learn each day to forgive her, continue to love her and continue to chart your way forward in life with her at your side.

Learning that she committed this act must have been a terrible blow to you. It is therefore not surprising that you have experienced all the emotions that come when trust is broken.

However, she has been honest and most likely, has also asked for your forgiveness. Her confession must have been the path to her healing. It also indicated that she was sorry and remorseful about her actions.

On the other hand, it is also obvious to me that you have not been fully healed. It may now be your turn to have a real heart-to heart talk about what you are going through with her and allow the healing process to be completed.

If you want your marriage to be a greater success, you will also have to stop concentrating on the past and devote your energies toward rebuilding together. It’s the quickest way for you to stop viewing yourself as a victim.

You may even be asking yourself, What if you had committed such an act? What would be her reaction?

Please don’t entertain any “What if’s.”

Marriages take work on the part of both spouses.

You and your wife have over a decade invested in each other. Unless you’re willing to forgive her past indiscretion and allow some joy back in your lives, your marriage will take a downward trend.

Ask yourself which is more important to you – hanging on to your anger and disappointment or your marriage?

– CHRISTINE

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