DEAR CHRISTINE: Should we grab second chance?
DEAR CHRISTINE, GREETINGS. I am in a real dilemma and need your take on my situation.
Here is my case: I am married and have been married for the past ten years.
During those years my husband had two affairs that I know of – one with a colleague with whom he still works, and another with a former girlfriend.
I went through hell when he was having these affairs. It is true that he tried to keep both from me but I found out about both of them. The last affair is still ongoing.
My husband still expects me to perform my wifely duties – even sexually – and although this is hard for me, I live through the hurt, pain and humiliation, for peace’s sake.
Last September I met a married man who became a good friend – not sexually. He was in a similar predicament to me.
The only difference was that his wife was carrying on an affair with her boss. He knew about it and when he confronted her, she denied everything. Eventually, when the water cooled, she admitted that she was having an affair with her boss for two years.
This almost killed this man. He trusted his wife and did not believe for one moment that she would have cheated on him and was cheating on him for that length of time.
When he asked her to leave the job and give up having the affair, she said she could not leave the job but that she would end the affair. Apparently, this was proving harder than she thought, because the man is a prominent individual in Government who threatened her.
My new-found friend has decided that he wants to leave his wife as he cannot live under the present conditions. The good thing about his relationship, as is the same with mine, is that no young children are involved. He has no children of his own and my son, who is 20 and is my husband’s child, lives abroad.
Over the past months we have grown very fond of each other. I can say honestly that we have fallen in love and have been discussing the possibility of divorcing our spouses and getting married.
The fact that we have not been sexually involved but care deeply for each other is an added plus to our friendship. We are both in the position where we can go out there and do our own thing – based on the fact that both our spouses cheated on us, but neither of us wants to do such a thing.
Christine, I am absolutely sure that I cannot continue in a relationship with my husband. My friend is also adamant that he cannot remain married to his wife, knowing the current situation that is taking place right under his nose.
We are both aware that divorcing our spouses will take some time, but we have
pledged to wait until then before we give ourselves to each other. We have also created a plan to move out of the island, since he is not Barbadian-born.
Do you believe that we are doing the right thing? I am 42 years old and he is 44. Please give me some advice.
Your plan sounds almost too perfect but quite frankly, if of you are sure this is what you want, you have all the legal grounds to go ahead and make plans to start a new life together.
I particularly admire the fact that while both your partners have cheated on you, you are still prepared not to cheat on them.
I’ll say that if this is what you want and this is what he wants, waste no time in filing for that divorce. Your husband has been unfaithful and while there is always room for forgiveness, I do not believe that any woman or man is obligated in any way to stay with a partner who not only has an affair, but becomes committed to the other person, while still married.
I wish you and your friend years of happiness and sincerely hope that your respective divorce proceedings will not be long and drawn out.