AL GILKES: Ready for the robbers
The news about immaculately dressed robbers luring unsuspecting residents to open their doors, only to find a gun-toting accomplice in hiding, has brought fear to many households in middle and upper-class Barbados.
I know the dread because I live not far from one of the affected homes and now all across the island people who never closed their gates at night are not only doing so but also automating them to avoid any risk by having to get out of their vehicles to physically do the opening.
Others are urgently installing security cameras with technology that allows them to see inside and around their homes on their mobile phones, even if they are halfway around the world.
Still others, like me, are making sure that the German shepherds, Rottweilers, bull terriers, Great Danes, Akitas, pit bulls, ridgebacks and whatever other breeds of dogs we own, understand that the days and nights of easy, full-belly living are all over and now it’s time to earn their keep.
My preparation for any possible encounter also finds me in a state like what Mighty Sparrow sang about in his Gunslingers hit of many moons ago. However, in my situation the chorus would go something like this:
Ah old but strong/ I ain’t fear a soul in town/ Who think they bad/To meet them I more than glad/ I got me gun/ And partner I en making fun/ If you smart clear the way/ But if you think you bad make your play.
So in addition to my dogs I am gun-ready. Not like an Old West cowboy with a six-shooter – one gun with six bullets. I am ready and waiting with six guns.
The first gun is for if I happen to spot them sneaking up on the house. I gun call the police as fast as my fingers can dial 211.
The second is for if they catch me with my pants down. Without any fuss and as calmly as I possibly can, I gun do whatever they order me to do.
The third is for if they threaten violence on my family. I gun gently and prayerfully plead with them not to hurt anybody.
The fourth is for if they demand money or jewellery. Like a vacuum cleaner, I gun swiftly suck up whatever I can find and let them have it easy so.
The fifth is for if they also want to have my laptop and/or cellphone. I gun willingly let them have those as well.
Then comes the sixth gun. That one is for if they miss and turn to run away but leaving me with my hands free. If they do, I gun direct them to a Barbadian counterpart of the same Mighty Sparrow’s Mr Walker, “the funeral agency man”.
Depending on where they live, it could be a man like Griffith in Half Moon Fort, Waithe in Greens, Wilson in Eagle Hall, Jones in Top Rock, Hinkson in St Elizabeth Village, Tudor in the Ivy or Best in St Martin.
The thing is that they should be happy because no matter in whose direction I send them, they will find themselves inside the gates of a hell of a mansion for the taking, one overflowing with lots of really hot stuff.
Al Gilkes heads a public relations firm. Email [email protected]