I CONFESS: Not sure who I want to be with

HAVING READ YOUR recent I Confess article about a woman finding true love with someone of the same sex, I was moved to write and let the public know of the tangled mess you can find yourself in when not sure about true love. Such is my case, where I don’t know whether it is a male-female or a female-female relationship that I really want.

I would have to say quite honestly that I am confused about my sexuality. This has been a long-standing issue of mine as I have moved from heterosexual to lesbian relationships over a number of years. I, too, am confined by peer pressure and societal norms, which have left me unsure what route to take.

The real issue for me is that I’ve always fallen in love with men and can get rather romantically attracted to them. Sometimes I wonder whether my emotions run away with me. I have introduced my friends and relations to a number of men I’ve dated and I suppose have cut a good show. The truth is I would have walked down the aisle with one if he were Mr Right. That would have had to be: a very good job, of social standing and someone who would “put me on the map”.

My problem is that I’ve never really felt a strong physical attraction to any of these men. Not one of them. On the other hand, I’ve felt very attracted to women’s bodies and in my three relationships with women, their bodies have been like magnet. I’ve been delightfully aroused.

 So I was married for eight years to a man whom I met when I was in my very late teens. He was nine years older than I was and we tied the knot when I was 21. Yes, it may have been too young an age, but it happened and I ended up with three children during the marriage. When the marriage was over I became involved with another man whom I lived with for three years before that relationship fell apart.

I then met what I thought or at least had hoped was the perfect man. We got married and we had one child together.

At first the relationship seemed all one could want for, especially the sexual connection. But after five years that died down and we just seemed to lose interest and certainly contact.

Before my 40th birthday my life had been in a tailspin. The children were well looked after by their fathers and I had the comfort of a roof over my head, having rented out the matrimonial property from the first marriage even during my second marriage. I generously parted with my second husband and therefore did not lack for anything financially.

I simply moved back into my house and continued with my job. Here I was, single again, with  some teenagers and a younger child. I celebrated my 40th with friends and family. My friends reminded me that life started at 40 and I need not despair. Things did start to look very good for me as the business thrived and the children excelled in their studies.

Somewhat as a surprise, the dad  of the first three decided he wanted them to come live with him overseas. This was after much appealing and suggesting for such had been rejected by him. I felt that they would have better opportunities overseas, particularly with their education. By the time he agreed, the eldest had finished university studies here, another was enrolled there and the other was at the BCC. I felt happy, yet sad knowing they were going off to further their studies. I would just be a direct airline trip away.

The house was not quite an empty nest, but things certainly were not as hectic. I was not quite 45 when all this transpired. The last of my children had just entered secondary school and is still there.

 I had a little more time for myself, especially on weekends as the child with me spent time with their dad who now has two other children with whom my child has developed a close bond.

My interest towards men has not changed. But, yes that towards women has. I have developed a close and sweet relationship with another female. She too is divorced and her two children are also overseas studying. I do not want to bring any challenges into my last child’s life because of my newfound love. At the same time, I do not want to deny who I am and what I am. Life is never forever and as such happiness must be the priority.

The truth is, I have a very, very close relationship with this child and would hate to break their heart. I can only hope they will understand, at a later date, why I will always love all my children, but must also publicly express my love for someone I am physically and emotionally attracted too.

In this all I know I must be discreet and follow the words of the Psalm 112:5, “A good man sheweth favour, and lendeth; he will guide his affairs with discretion.” I will have to form sound opinions and give serious attention and thought to what I am doing.

It may be difficult for many people to understand and appreciate, but life is never simple nor one-dimensional.