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WILD COOT: Victory of the butt


HARRY RUSSELL

WILD COOT: Victory of the butt

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THE WILD COOT has a Chinese friend who always relies on lessons in order to arrive at waste decisions. Latest story from him is the debate between the body parts as to which one is the most important and holds sway over the others.

The first to arrive at the microphone was the brain.

“Nothing goes on without me, sleeping or awake. I am the centre of every movement in this body. Do you know how many cells I have? Just imagine if you stump your big toe. The signal has to come from me first that this has happened and then you feel the consequent pain. My neurons, of which I have over 100 billion, conduct signals at more than 200 miles per hour. I control speech which I inherited from my Neanderthal cousins over 60 000 years ago, long before Genesis and Adam and Eve could converse with the serpent or knew that they were naked.”

“Foolishness!” cried the heart that had just left a cabinet meeting at which a new pump was discussed. “I am the most important part of the body. I pump life-saving blood with my trucks all over the body. I am the genesis of all things. Life starts with my first spark. Moreover, I am flexible as I can be transplanted from one person to another. Just imagine if I did not send blood to your feet, would you be able to walk? And if I did not supply blood to your brain, you would not be able to go up to that microphone and talk garbage.”

“You finish now,” said the hands. “We are the workforce of this body. Without us you would be like a statue, a figment of a ghost without imagination, unable to contribute to the upkeep of this body. Tell me something, how would you feed yourself, how would you grow food? Do you know that these hands might have played a significant part in mankind walking upright and practising agriculture?”

“Don’t even mention hunting,” chimed the legs. “I take you from one place to the other. The discovery of ‘Millennium Man’ suggests that I was doing dixie upright over six million years ago. There is no movement without me. You would not be able to take your frequent trips abroad. How would you get on the plane? I am the most important part of the body although after I go abroad, I remain silent.”

The liver chimed in. “He could always use a wheelchair, so you talking rubbish.”

Meanwhile, a female voice purred: “Look fellows, without me and my womb no life would ever be even possible. I am the giver of life so I must be the queen and the most important part of the body.”

“You could fool me.” A voice, almost a whisper, came from a corner where the penis was lying, playing dead. “She does not even know what goes on in her body. Genes that fester in her have both male and female characteristics. Normally, only one is turned on in a particular sex. Sometimes genes get confused. How could she be the queen?”

Out spoke the butt. “All yuh talking garbage. Without me this whole body will simply fall ill, smell stink and die. I am the most important part of the body.”

You could hear the howls of derision emanating from all of the previous speakers, some of whom were not qualified to even offer an opinion, having been caught up in previous fractures and needed medical and forensic attention. In fact, butt was asked to leave the conference.

Well, a few days passed and the body system backed up just like a clogged water toilet bowl. It could not eat and there was no outlet for what was inside the body. Moreover, the smell was unbearable. ‘Tourises’ refused to come near the body. People complained about the coconut shells. Speakers from other parts of the body began a clamour that shook the industrial base. There was general panic in the body when a cabinet meeting was called and everybody was invited, including butt. Butt gave an ultimatum.

“Call off the cops, reverse 25 yards and find some other jackass to milk. Surrender and crown me king right now.”

They all had no option but to agree.

“And that is why,” concluded my Chinese friend, “the butt is the most important part of the body as it eliminates waste. You people should learn a simple lesson and leave the butt alone.”

• Harry Russell is a banker. Email [email protected]

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