DEAR CHRISTINE: Tit for tat is unfair to me

Dear Christine,

I AM a man who never thought I would be writing to you. My wife and I have been married for ten years, and for five of them I have been friendly with a woman.

My wife found out, but never told me anything about her findings. What she has decided to do is play “tit for tat”. She now has a man whom she has been seeing for quite some time now. He is younger than she is.

Christine, while I am having an affair, there is no doubt that I love my wife. However, I have to admit that I am not keen on giving up my lady friend |even though I do not want to lose my wife to another. I am still jealous of my wife. She is now in the habit of leaving the children with relatives while she and her friend go out. She said she never asked me about my lady friend and she does not expect me to get annoyed with her for the decision she has made. In fact, she says as long as I am seeing another woman, she will continue to see the person she is seeing.

Christine, I am very hurt and disgusted about this attitude. I have even been to places where I see them together. On one occasion, the four of us met in the same place. I was very hurt.

Christine, my wife has a good job. In fact, she is the main breadwinner in the house. How can I get her to realize that because I have been unfaithful, there is no need for her to play the game she is playing?

– A.P.

Dear A.P.,

Have you stopped and considered you’re the one who started all this?

Think! Was your wife unfaithful prior to your unfaithfulness? You’re the one who must answer the question you’re asking since you’ve made up your mind not to give up your “lady friend”. As far as I see, there is little doubt that your marriage is practically over and that you’re the one who sealed the deal.

While two wrongs can never make a right, it’s also interesting to note that now your wife has given you a dose of your own medicine, you are finding it hard to swallow. It’s a bitter pill, isn’t it? Sure, it will hurt. You cannot expect to eat your cake and have it too.

Your wife has placed you in a position where you’ve got to make a decision between the two. That’s the message she is sending. Or, perhaps you’ve successfully killed the love and respect she once had for you. Can you blame her? After all, you don’t intend to let go of this other woman.

It seems like the ball is in your court. Your wife has already said as long as you’re seeing this woman, she’ll keep on doing her own thing. I reiterate: I may not agree with this but I don’t blame her either.

Both of you must sit down and decide if the marriage can be repaired. If it cannot, do the right thing and go your separate ways.

I cannot imagine how both of you can be intimate again with each other, with all the infidelity the marriage has encountered, but forgiveness can work wonders.

If you are keen on salvaging what remains of your marriage, you’ll make the first move and get rid of the spare tyre you’re carrying around. Consider not only your wife but your children.

In the long run, they are the ones who will suffer the most. That is, if they are not already suffering because of this mess you’ve created.

Both you and your wife need to start thinking about how the children are and will be affected by your actions as well as how your actions are messing up the lives of others in the picture.

– CHRISTINE