DEAR CHRISTINE: Husband too laid-back in bedroom
MY HUSBAND, who is 45, and I (40) got married two years ago. He is a very caring, kind and gentle man who spends quite a lot of his time reading or just in his garden. I am a very active individual, but I would like my husband to take the initiative more often.
If we go out to dinner or even to visit friends, it is at my prompting or suggestion. Lovemaking is practically the same thing. I usually have to start the ball rolling, so to speak. He does so on the odd occasion.
My husband lived a rather secluded life with his mother for many years before moving out. In fact, he only left the comfort of his parents’ home when we got married.
I have spoken to him about his lacklustre attitude and now he thinks he is no good for me. I love my husband and he is a good man. I do not want him to think I am asking him to move the earth to please me – just to take the initiative more in the relationship.
You’ve said that you’ve got a good man, and good is relative.
From what you’ve told me, your husband seems to be laid- back and relaxed in the life you two now share together. He has settled down, so to speak, and part of that settling down means he is adopting a way of life that, perhaps, he once shared with his mother. There is probably no doubt that she helped to look after him while he basically sat back and did nothing.
With such a scenario in mind, I would advise you not to nag him. Talk to him, yes, if you think it will help, but do not nag. It will do more harm than good and probably cause him to lose confidence in himself. There must have been signs during your courtship hinting at the kind of man you’re observing now.
However, all too often women tend to think they can change their partners after they have taken that walk to the altar. That’s not so! I guess you’re now discovering this for yourself.
Don’t worry about who does what first – marriage is a partnership. As long as you are enjoying what you’re doing together, that’s what is important. I’m sure that at the end of the day he’s still “a good man”.
Learn to live with the person he is and make the most of your years together.