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DEAR CHRISTINE: Gave up home, car, feedom for abuse

Barbados Nation

DEAR CHRISTINE: Gave up home, car, feedom for abuse

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Dear Christine,

MY HUSBAND I divorced sometime ago and until early last year I was fending for myself.

I promised I would never have another man around me because of all the things I went through with my husband since I was working and could support myself quite comfortably.

Well, as it happened, I met this guy who eventually convinced me to give up my house and move in with him.

As it turned out, things did not go right. I painfully discovered that “come see me” and “come live with me” are two different things.

This man is fretful and has physically abused me. Recently he has been telling me he no longer loves me the way he once did and that I should leave his house.

However, when I try to do so, he gets on even worse. He does not seem to know what he wants. When he gets over his bad tempers, he swears it won’t happen again. This only lasts for a short while.

I have invested in him financially, even to the point where I sold my vehicle to help him get his own. We both use his to get to and from work. Leaving him will mean no home and no car for me.

– J.D.


Dear J.D.,

You are so right. “Come see me” and “come live with me” are two different things. When we start wrong, things usually continue to go wrong.

I’m sorry to hear about your plight, but you simply made all the wrong moves – the first of which was to give up where you lived to move into his house without any legal commitment.

Still, you should thank your lucky stars you are not married to this man.

Secondly, why did you sell your car so he could have one of his own? Why couldn’t he make use of your car the way you eventually ended up making use of his car?

This man seems like a good con artist and you appear to be very gullible. He definitely took advantage of your “kind” or maybe “vulnerable” nature.

Thirdly, when the physical abuse started, that was your cue to cut your losses and get out of the relationship altogether.

It is clear that this man has some psychological issues and needs professional counselling.

Please don’t tell me that when you try to get away, he gets on even worse. I’m sure he is not at home 24/7 and you can leave when it is convenient for you to do so. If you think it is necessary, ask the police to accompany you to retrieve what’s left of what you now possess from his home.

Here is where you’ve got to consider what you value most – your health [and well-being], or the home and car.

I simply do not feel that his attitude will change overnight or anytime soon.

Hitting you will continue to be part of his so-called “love for you”. You alone must decide whether you are prepared to put up with blows and verbal abuse or get out in one piece.

It might mean using the bus until you can afford to purchase another car, but that would be so much better than being killed at the hands of this man whose temper can flare up at any moment. You cannot be comfortable or feel safe in such an environment.

Sometimes, we all have to learn from our mistakes and the choices we make. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Life is a school – we keep learning as we go through the various scenes and usually we come out stronger than before.

You managed on your own before; get back to doing so. Making that move will bring about the desired change you need right now in your life.

Don’t be afraid to pick up the pieces and, with the help of God, enter a new season or new phase in your life. – CHRISTINE