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I CONFESS: Ready to turn back on 25 years


Barbados Nation

I CONFESS: Ready to turn back on 25 years

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I HAVE a problem, a real big problem and am writing out of pure frustration. It has to do with the woman I have been living with for the past 25 years.

She needs to change her ways, otherwise I will have to walk. The truth is that I really do love and care for her, but cannot hold strain because of her outlandish behaviour.

She is 53 years old and I am 57. We have one child together and she had one from an earlier relationship. I have no other children. The child from our union is living overseas. She went to further her education in another Caribbean island and met a fellow there and decided to relocate to his homeland. The other child, from her earlier relationship, lives in Canada, having gone there originally on contract work in the tourism sector. She was able to get her employers to sponsor her a few years ago.

This has left my partner and I in the house in what I felt would have been some enjoyable years together. Like many people our age, we had a rough start financially since we were not in high-paying jobs  and often struggled to make ends meet. I think what may have made things a little more challenging for us was that we often went after things which stretched us financially. I believe that our house, which is a comfortable home, was little more than we needed and never allowed a lot of room to move around.

On reflection, I can only thank God that we made it through those tough times. That is why I am so disappointed that we have now found ourselves on a bumpy road, one full of potholes, and with a dismal outlook.

Romantic

I believe that despite our ages, we still have lots of vigour and capacity to be intimate. I am a fancy fellow who likes going to the drive-in and being romantic. I like that when we go to dinner I rub my feet against hers on the table; I want to wine and dine and dance the evening away and then return home as if we were a couple courting and I am trying to get what a vibrant strong man would want from his woman.

I don’t want to be like my father who even having just turned 80 is still looking for romance. My mother died six years ago and my dad said he did not want to be lonely and isn’t looking for company from any of his children. He wants a companion. He kept his word and has actually married a lady who is 20 years his junior. Perhaps, I am like my father. I want to be close and connected to a woman. I have a woman and I love this woman.

But it seems as if something is adrift in the relationship. She is often cold and withdrawn, miserable, fretful, angry and even bitter. She says she only wants to have sexual contact once every two months and when we are intimate, she acts as if she is in a hurry to get things over. This situation has left me totally upset and has shown me how a man can go astray because of a woman’s mysterious behaviour.

Indeed, I must admit that I am often tempted to stray, as I find this every eight weeks intimacy plan unacceptable. I may not be a sportsman who will want to boast of how many women I have gone to bed with, but I would like to know that the woman to whom I am committed desires me as much as I do her.

A lot of what is driving my partner is association. For you ladies who will come to a conclusion, no it is not menopause, but rather the stupid beliefs of church leaders and a few lonely women. She has been told to focus on the things not of this world. She is taking these words of encouragement rather literally. Her way of dress is dowdy and she spends far too much time simply criticising people and things. So she no longer enjoys going to dances or socials; she does not want to go to the sea because she feels she would be revealing too much of her body and she does not even want to watch certain movies or shows on television. She has placed the second television in the house primarily on the religious channels.

To make matters worse, her mother, who is still alive, has proudly proclaimed that she had nothing to do with the world from the time she was 42. Today she is 78. Her husband has never sought to divorce her, but has been living with another woman, her former close friend, for the past 30 years.

I do believe that individuals and indeed people in a country should have a strong moral grounding, but it should not be as if we are operating in convents or monasteries or if we are in public in a Muslim country. I know that behind closed doors in those orders and countries there is a different behaviour and attitude.

I fear that the relationship between my woman and me is headed for the rocks unless there is a drastic and urgent change on her part. I cannot pretend that I am going to keep quiet and stay loyal whilst I suffer. I am an active, alert man who needs to be satisfied as much as my woman wants to be satisfied. The problem is that our needs are so vastly different.

As someone who is rather blunt and frank on matters, I have spoken to her about my concerns. Her only response has been that I am free to do what I like, that she will preserve her mind and health, but at her age she feels it is her time to retire form the world and spend what remains of her life on earth in the service of her church and to the betterment of mankind. Obviously, my betterment runs a distance third.

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