I want the best of both worlds
I’m married but involved with a woman nearly half my age.
We have been intimate for the last six years.
In the early years of her relationship I knew she was also friendly with a number of other men in her age group. That was not a problem for me as I recognised she wasn’t sure if she wanted to tie herself to a married man. I used that knowledge to convince myself that we were just having a fling, so it didn’t matter what she did otherwise as long as she protected herself.
But as time moved on, we grew closer and closer and now are exclusive to each other. We are so tight that we must hear each other first thing every morning, a few times during the day and at night before going to bed.
She once behaved so acid when she didn’t hear me for a day that I thought she was going off. That’s when I knew she was in love with me.
And I don’t feel good unless she and I have talked even if only for five minutes. In fact, most of the time I feel as though she is my wife and my wife is my sister.
Don’t get me wrong: I love my wife and would never stop supporting her in every way. We worked hard together to make life and I would never disown her.
But the truth is, there’s no romance in our marriage. That left years ago in the hustle to keep a roof over our heads and take care of our children.
We tried to rekindle it once, but that didn’t work. Since then her interests has shifted to our grandchildren and now she is more focused on them than anything else.
Still, I know what I’m doing is wrong. Anytime you are involved with someone and cannot let your closest friends and family know about that relationship, it cannot be a good thing. So I don’t intend to make any excuses for my behaviour to justify an action that on principle cannot be defended.
In any case I’m not the dishonest type – the sort of person who normally lies and is evasive. I like to tell the truth and be straight with people. That way my conscience is always clear and I don’t ever have to hide my mouth.
Because that is my personality, I’m beginning to struggle with my little secret. I want to bring my friendship with this woman out of the shadows. I want to take her out dancing or even to the supermarket, knowing that when someone reports seeing me to my wife or children it would not come as a shock to them.
At the same time, I don’t want to hurt my wife and children. I love them more than anything else and have sacrificed everything through the years to ensure their comfort and happiness. Because of that I would never want to do anything that would hurt or embarrass them. That’s why I have been secretly seeing my friend in the first place.
But a couple of weeks ago I was liming having a few drinks and the guy in the shop began playing some oldies, and he put on that song by James Ingram, If Loving You Is Wrong.
Almost immediately I realised that song was about me and my situation. The song says in part:
Your friends tell you there’s no future in loving a married man If I can’t see you when I want to I’ll see you when I can If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right. Am I wrong to fall so deeply in love with you knowing I got a wife and two little children depending on me too And am I wrong to hunger for the gentleness of your touch knowing I got somebody else at home who needs me just as much And are you wrong to fall in love with a married man And am I wrong trying to hold on to the best thing I ever had If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right.
Except for the two little children bit, this song is about me. It expresses my every emotion and the torment I’m going through – the struggle between being with my wife, children and grands, and keeping us together as a family, while at the same time having my friend and enjoying our relationship.
That is my dilemma. I want this woman bad – that would make me happy – but I don’t want to lose my family. And I can’t figure out what to do.
This is why I’m writing. I want people, married women especially, to realise what men go through after they get a certain age. I want people to understand our feelings.
I hope you can publish this letter so people can talk about it and I would hear from them – anonymously of course – the things I need to consider in my struggle to enjoy my life with my friend without losing the love of my family.
I would never want to do anything that would hurt or embarrass them.
That’s why I have been secretly seeing my friend in the first