For many generations, our culture, training and programming have been highlighted by a belief system, which promotes the notion that sharing a sexual experience is, or should be, related to love and/or marriage. In order to have sex we must first have love. We are programmed to understand that sex is a direct result of love. From the beginnings of Christianity we have been taught that sex is a privilege to be shared only in marriage. Although most have outgrown those teachings, some of their effects remain.
Women still expect that love and sex are entwined and find themselves disappointed and even devastated when faced with the realities of the dreaded ‘one night stand’. They feel used and cheapened if their efforts warrant merely a night of sexual pleasure. Men are chastised for their insensitive perceptions and nonchalant sexual conduct. Although we are more open with our sexuality and experience it more freely, without the benefit of a marriage ceremony or contract, we have yet to move past the expectations of a union between the two.
Does sex equal love? Does having sex with someone automatically create attachments? The fact is that men have had a different idea all along. Love is love and sex is sex and they do not come as a package deal. Love is not an automatic response or reaction to sharing intimacy nor is it a prerequisite to seeking sexual gratification. If we are fortunate, we find both in the same partner and most of us strive to meet that end.
Sex does often create feelings and emotions even to the point of creating a bond. But is it love or simply a tentative connection or intoxication created by the sensations of the moment? More often than not we experience sexual highs, a euphoria that is more powerful than any of the most potent drugs. However, just as the effects of a drug will wear off in its time, so too will the affects of our euphoric state.
The ecstasy created by our sexual experiences can become addicting. It can present a need and craving which we assume are for the one who created them. What we actually crave are the feelings and sensations of bliss, which were merely directed by our partner and can mirror love. The letdown that comes with the realization that we have been duped by transient passion can be quite painful and a huge blow to the ego.
Separating love from sexual enchantment is not always an easy task. We must begin by realizing and accepting the truths of human nature. Sex is a major part of our essence and our needs are normal, with or without love attached. It is a normal human response and without guilt to guide us, the task of separating love and sex becomes easier and less devastating to the psyche.
We must step away from our psychological need and assess the conditions and circumstances from a realistic vantage point. Any relationship or marriage based on sex will have a very short life span. We need to question what lies past the fabulous sex. What does this person ultimately have to offer us and what could we offer him/her beyond the grand sexual experiences? Is that all there is and is it enough?Â
In our quest to find love and the ideal life partner we must remain aware of life’s realities. The first of those being that love is love and sex is sex.
There is no magical formula or potion, which will automatically unite them, although in the strongest relationship, sex is a manifestation of physical and emotional love. It is to our advantage to keep the two separate until we are certain a union is warranted. Forego the shame and guilt if the perfect mix does not come with the first attempts and learn to find the positives in the experiences in between…that’s as pointed as it gets!
