Last Friday was rough. Daughter found a missing goat way up on the mountainside after a dog attack. It had spent all night there, bitten on all four legs; couldn’t stand.
Big goat. We had to lift her down, skidding between dense thickets, finally rappelling over a cliff face by tying two boa constrictors together. Luckily, I knew the right knot: the standing boa-line. After all that, the vet put her to sleep.
So Friday afternoon I’m sitting on the tractor, shotgun at the ready, guarding goats. Checked my cell phone balance. Wow! Digicel has an offer: “Top up with $60 and get triple credit!” Offer good that day only.
Another daughter does it for me. But I only get $60 credit. Then the big news: the extra $120 credit applies only to Digi-Digi calls. And expires in seven days. The Digi rep tells my daughter it’s her fault entirely. She should have searched for a little box with Terms and Conditions, waded through a PDF file . . . .
Had to resist the urge to phone Digi help and, when they answered, throw the phone in the air, see how many shots I could pump into it. Instead I’m doing the Christian thing. They’ve sent me a free letter (Y) so I can win a trip to Disney. In return I’m sending them two free letters. Go figure.
Sunday morning the rains came. And the usual mud-seeking SUV crowd. Soil Conservation levels the dirt road next to my property much used by horse-riding tourists. But whenever it rains heavily, the SUVs rut it up. Leaving ponds for mosquitoes to breed. Good Lord, fellows, feel for a fellow human being.
When we were that age we would masticate in bed on rainy days with a good book. Or, better still, fornicate with a nice girl and get babies. Why not try it?
Mr William Layne says we aren’t fornicating enough to sustain the population. Our women only averaging 1.65 children. Why not take up the challenge?
Instead, he wants to repopulate with foreigners. There’s something wrong here. Actually, several somethings: 1. If Barbados has so much unemployment that people are crying out, how come foreigners can get work? 2. Is it because they will work for a lot less? 3. Isn’t it kinda dirty to bring people here to work for substandard wages to support our old people? 4. While our youths lime on the block?
It’s time to loose the beast, fellows. We’ve got to produce and reproduce.
By the way, just discovered that chikungunya is a Makonde word meaning “that which bends up”. My brother Bill has had that condition all his life. No problems whatsoever. Maybe they should study him.
Also, my friend Ceddie is fuming. “Rich”, he told me, “is a common-sense thing. A new mosque bound to encourage mosquitoes. And these goin’ be Muslim mosquitoes. They prey five times a day.”
Which brings me, don’t ask me how, to Veoma. Got the usual question at a recent party: how does it feel to be on top of Veoma week after week? Actually it feels really nice. Maybe they could even put her on top now and then for gender equality’s sake.
Last week, she and others were apparently discussing “the length of time it takes Richard Hoad to come from St Andrew”. Somehow most people got the sequence of that sentence all wrong. I’m keeping it decent.
Veoma, it all depends on which route I use. I love it through Cherry Tree Hill. The cherries are gone now but there’s a magnificent view of shapely hills. And it’s all bushy and overgrown the way I like it. You know you’re in the country and sweet country at that.
Another route takes me into Dark Hole. Here I tarry not and reach my destination far quicker.
Veoma also asked about nudist beaches. Several tourists used to do it at Morgan Lewis. On one occasion a Jewish fellow came to ask for a pull-out. As he and I approached the beach on my tractor, he started shouting excitedly: “My wife is naked, my wife is naked.”
She couldn’t hear with the surf. Nor did she mind. Stood up full front and greeted us with a smiling wave. Then slowly reached for her towel. Golan Heights, Gaza Strip. Nice!
Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator.
