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THE LOWDOWN: Keep it cool

Richard Hoad

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FOUR DELIGHTFUL damsels came by to buy goat’s milk a few Sundays ago. And it soon became apparent who was who.Damsel A was the driver; she didn’t say much. Damsel B was the milk-buyer. Damsel C, her adviser. Damsel D obviously came for the drive. You could tell by the way she screwed up her face at the mention of goat’s milk that she wasn’t touching it with a ten-foot straw.Having exhausted their queries on goat’s milk, Damsel B tentatively turned to another troublesome topic. She asked: “Are you really as bad as you come over in your columns?”Well! If you thought Damsel D’s screwed-up face registered a seven on the Richter Disgust Scale for goat’s milk, you should’ve seen the ten she hit at the mention of my columns. You could bet she wasn’t looking at one of them through the Hubble Space telescope.Which left me with a heavy heart and I cried in a loud voice: “Lord, Lord, would that I could delete all the smut from my columns!” And the Lord reasoned: “Why then, Lowdown, yours would be mighty short columns. But fear not, Toni Yarde will be editing you for a few weeks. Sister Yarde is sure to keep you on the straight and narrow.”I hope so. For today’s column, by its very nature, will have in lots about rampant unprotected sex in the back seats of Barbadian cars. Probably even yours!First, however, a few frequently asked questions about goat’s milk:Q: Lowdown, is your milk pasteurised?A: No, but the goats are. Most any afternoon you can see them out on the pasture.Q: Can I use it straight from the package?A: We, and most health-conscious people, drink it unpasteurised. The health authorities recommend heat treatment.Q: Is goat’s milk better than cow’s milk?A: There are tons of benefits claimed for goat’s milk. The big plus is that it is very easily digested. Q: Will goat’s milk enhance my sex life?A: Frankly, no. If you have nothing better to do than read this column, it is highly unlikely that you have a sex life. One can’t enhance what doesn’t exist. Q: My husband performs much better if I put your milk in his tea but he quarrels if he realises I’m using goat’s milk. What should I do?A: One naughty wife keeps it in a Pine Hill carton and her hubby can’t tell the difference.Q: Lowdown, help! My husband wants it, like, three times a night!A: That is excessive. One glassful a night is enough.Q: How long will it keep?A: This is a dicey area. We say use before 12 days. Customers claim they have kept it up to a month and it was perfect.The problem is that “nature’s perfect food” is nature’s perfect breeding place for bacteria. These engage in unprotected sex, multiply and spoil your milk. Fortunately, they can’t perform at low temperatures, which is why keeping milk cold is vital. Consider these figures: when fresh milk with 4 295 bacteria/ml was kept at four degrees C, there was virtually no increase in numbers after 48 hours. When the same milk was kept at ten degrees C, there were 127 700 bacteria/ml after 48 hours. When kept at 15 degrees C, there were over 33 million bacteria/ml after 48 hours! You see the nightmare here. We try to produce clean milk, cool it rapidly, get it to the supermarkets still cold. We are not perfect. But we may have to wait half-hour or more in the afternoon sun to get it received. Some supermarket counters aren’t down to the required temperature.And then, if you the customer hangs around in the parking lot talking to your new neighbour with the nice legs, or gets caught in the afternoon traffic, the milk in your grocery bags warms up. And suddenly those bacteria get to watching dirty videos and reproduce like crazy right there in your back seat.So we say: buy your milk often, keep it real cold, enjoy.