Dear Christine,
I am always reading of women who are lonely and seeking companions, but I know that some of us are responsible for our loneliness because we did not appreciate good men when they were in our lives. I am one of those women.
I was in a relationship for seven years and kept refusing marriage because I did not think that this man was good enough for me. My family and friends also helped convince me that I was too good for him.
When we first met, I was broke and recovering from a very bad relationship in which I was used by a man.
My boyfriend was there for my every need and it was through him that I regained my self-respect.
I was not working and he supported me and my five-year-old daughter whose father had abandoned her. He also paid for me to attend classes and I was able to get a good job.
I repaid him by being unfaithful with other men. I often told him hurtful things and sometimes refused to let him even touch me.
Two years ago he finally walked out of my life when he found out that I was having an affair with one of his colleagues. He still continues to support my daughter, who regards him as her father.
I felt relief when he walked away but soon realised that the other man was only after my body. You can imagine my humiliation when I found out that he referred to me as a toy and damaged goods. Those words would never have passed the lips of my ex-boyfriend.
I threw away a gem of a man through ignorance and now I am lonely and I miss him. I want him back but don’t know how to approach him about starting over again.
We sometimes talk, but I always remember the hurt and humiliation which I caused him.
The truth is that I am also afraid of rejection. What should I do?
– Yours Regretful
Dear Yours Regretful,
Do you genuinely love this man and respect him, or do you want him back because you have no one in your life who cares about you and are lonely?
If you love him, you need to be humble enough to apologise to him for what you did and then let him know how much you care for him.
There is no guarantee that he will accept your apology or consider you worthy of his love after what you did, but at least you would have levelled with him. You would have brought some closure to that episode in your life.
On the other hand, if you want him back because you are lonely and he is a kind man, then you may not love him at all and may end up using him again.
Let’s get real here. There are some men and women that no matter how loving and decent they are, their partners would not reciprocate the feelings because they don’t love them – they’re convenient.
You just can’t make somebody love you. You can’t make someone consider you their equal by providing them with money, gifts and sex.
If someone thinks you are not good enough for them they will accept what you’re giving and then dump you. This is a fact of life in many relationships and one that people need to recognise.
Next thing is the intimacy. He may be a nice guy but does he satisfy you in bed? Apparently, he didn’t as you had other men on him.
So Yours Regretful, my advice to you is to first honestly ask yourself if you would want to love and cherish this man, for better or worse, for the rest of your life.
If you cannot love him in this way, then don’t seek to rekindle that flame as, more than likely, you will end up hurting him again.
– Christine
