I CONFESS: Misery over child-mother
I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED with a guy for over three years. We do not live together nor do I have any children of my own, but he has one.
There are three reasons I do not have children of my own: I cannot afford them; I always felt that children should be raised in a family setting, preferably a marriage; and I have goals and believe I should achieve them before I start a family.
My guy’s child mother does not play an active role in her seven-year-old child’s life. In fact, she doesn’t assist in the financial support of the child, hardly takes him by her house (she has her own home), and when she does the boy is not allowed to overnight – she returns him on the same day.
This woman simply does not have time for her own child and readily says so. In fact, she even said one evening after returning him that he is too much for her. The child is being raised by my guy’s family, at whom he still lives.
My guy complains to me constantly about this woman, saying she is not a good mother and he wished she would take the boy sometimes to give him and his family a break.
My problem is that although he claims that she does not take charge of her responsibilities, she is very much in his life – to me, more so than the child.
Please do not get me wrong. I understand that there has to be some kind of communication between them because of the child. I have no problem with that. But if a whim hits her and she decides to take the boy on an outing, she takes the father too, and he goes without telling me and sometimes I just find out by accident.
If she wants the child to come by her for a visit, the father has to take him; she cannot come for the child on her own.
I confronted him about this and he told me that “I’m always stressing myself over things that are not there; she has a man whom she lives with, and if he was still involved with her, she is the type who would come and throw it in my face”.
But why would she do that, if she has a man, and my friend maybe, for more financial support?
I had an argument with him a few days ago because his family was getting lots of stress with the son, who is very hyper. Now he works six days a week, sometimes seven, and does not have much time for the boy. So his family are also wondering why he cannot be more assertive with the mother and get her to help out, and why he would still be befriending her.
Cold to me
Imagine, she even changes her vacation time if it coincides with when the child is on vacation so she would not have to keep him.
His response to me was, “she does work and if she don’t want to play her role” he is prepared to raise his child himself. He also asked me if I want him to call the police for her because she does not want to take care of her own child.
He was cold to me after that so I butted out.
But what angered me – and prompted this letter – was finding a ticket stub for Chefette restaurant in Rockley. It had fallen out of his pocket when he went off to work and I saw it was dated for last Saturday afternoon.
Now last Saturday I asked him to accompany me because I had a short meeting and I figured we would just hang out afterwards. I was going to Warrens. He told me he would think about it and call me back within an hour since he was at work.
As he didn’t, I called him back. He said he did not feel like going. I was hurt by it because it seems that he is always finding excuses when I ask him to go somewhere with me.
Anyhow, later that night when he came over I asked why he did not want to go. He told me that I knew he did not like venturing too far from home. It was only today that it connected – the ticket stub was on the same day I asked him out.
I called and confronted him. I asked him how come he did not want to go into Warrens with me but went much farther to Rockley? He paused and then said he went up there because his son was there with his child-mother – imagine that!
Obviously my so-called boyfriend would rather hang out with his irresponsible child-mother than with me.
He said that I am always making myself sick, thinking all kinds of things when things are just innocent and he wants to spend time with his son. But the boy already lives with him! He also said was too jealous and asked what was wrong with going out and having a drink with a friend (who happens to be this wayward child-mother).
Leaves me guessing
My question to him was why, if they were so innocent, was he afraid to mention that he was going out with her.
I also caught them red-handed out together eating as one big, happy family on another occasion.
Why can’t this man be honest with me and tell me he still has feelings for this woman instead of leaving me guessing and hurting?
I asked him why would he rather be with her and not me because that is what it boils down to. He refused to answer. He just said that with my jealousies if I don’t change my ways I would run a man from around me.
I do not like this light that he tries to cast me in as a jealous, miserable woman, for I am not. Every action brings a reaction.
At the moment I do not have a job and rely on him for help with my bills, so I am wondering if this is why he treats me so callously.
I told him that this situation really bothers me and I see him hanging out with this woman as a date and I will not stand for it. If he really has finished with her as he claims, why is it so hard to cut ties with her and just deal with her as it pertains to the child?
Am I being unreasonable?
I know if it was the other way around he would be very offended if I had done that, I know his child-mother would never tolerate it; so what a person does not want for themselves, they should not do to others.
This is day three after I found him out, and no matter how he tries to smooth things over with me, I cannot get these questions out of my mind.
I told myself that if he admits to me, I would step aside for I would never play “the other woman”. I would have to find a way to make it on my own. I don’t believe in competing for someone’s affections. If someone really loves you then there should be no doubt about it.
He tells me that he will not let me run his life, and I should stop stressing myself. He also said that I should think like him, with a clear mind, as that is only when we can change our thoughts. He said there is nothing bad or good, it’s our thinking that makes it so.
He wanted us to move in together, but I suspect he is just looking for a babysitter since he likes to hang out with his friends and he drinks a lot, which is another issue we have.