Nothing to say
I really enjoy reading your column, but I never dreamed that I would have to write to you for a solution to a problem of my own.
I am a married woman with three children. It is hard to explain what is really wrong. I have been married for six years. My husband does not run around, smoke nor have any bad habits that cause other women grief.
However, he is downright unkind in some ways. Do you know that he has not yet paid me a compliment in the six years that we were married, even though I beg him to? Would you believe he never tells me he loves me even when I ask him to?
Christine, I work hard at my job and help pay half the expenses in the home. The hurtful thing too is he hardly says anything to me. When we watch television, he lies on the couch and says absolutely nothing.
You can understand how lonesome I get. He hardly takes me anywhere and when he does he is anxious to be home again.
I told him that I was unhappy and explained why. Would you believe it made no impression? He still displays the same attitude towards me.
Since that time we have had sex twice and although I asked him about what I discussed with him he said nothing. It was the same silent love-making on his part.
Christine, in all my life I have never felt so humiliated. What I would love to know if all men are like this. I have never had a chance to find out.
Christine, I cannot go on with this behaviour for the rest of my life. I feel as though I would quietly go insane and I am very depressed.
No, all men are not like your husband.
I know it cannot be easy, and it is true that you cannot continue in such a relationship.
Marriage is about sharing one’s self with one’s partner, and as I see it, your husband is not sharing himself with you – unless he calls the occasional sex sharing.
By sharing I mean being real partners – discussing those things that interest each other, sharing feelings, aspirations, desires, and so on.
Firstly, my advice to you would be to go out and meet people – maybe at social clubs, church, or even places where you can relax and enjoy the company of others. Do do not sit around waiting for him to give you a social life. From the look of things, you’ll be waiting until eternity.
Secondly, stop from trying so hard! I believe you have given it your best shot to date. Your husband seems to be the so-called strong, silent type who does not believe that communication is necessary.
What has me puzzled, I must confess, is how the two of you related to each other while you were dating and how he got around to proposing to you. The picture you have painted of your relationship makes it hard for me to see all that.
If he is addicted to the television, you’ll either have to accept this or run from it.
It has been said that if you give someone a dose of their own medicine they are likely to see themselves, and possibly change. Maybe you should try that. This kind of reverse psychology can help. If it does not, I don’t honestly know what will work.
Also, the fact that he does not say he loves you, does not mean he doesn’t. Silent types like him hardly ever express their true feelings. And, by the way, stop begging him to express any feelings of love. Those expressions should come spontaneously from him.