De story is true, de facts accurate, only de names change to protect both de guilty and innocent. This is the story of a fellow called Dick, real name Richard, but we does call he Big D.
Big D is one of dem self-taught people who could fix almost anything – a lawnmower, electrical work, plumbing, carpentry, painting. So whenever I had a small job to do I used to call Mr Fixit heself. He got a pleasant personality, is a big man by any measurement and could be intimidating just by looks but he as meek as a lamb.
De Vendor does look after a few properties fuh de family and Big D was my man of business. Years ago one of de properties was rented to an overseas company; a supervisor and he girlfriend from Britain was living in de house.
De lady name was Tina and Tina was not too happy even though de place was a nice South Coast property and I had de feeling, based pun she accent and behaviour, dat she did come from some council flat in England! My girl write a pistol ball of a letter to de company complaining ’bout everything under de sun and when de people show me de letter, I knew drastic action was needed to save the tenancy.
How come all dese things gone wrong all of a sudden? I discovered that de things she complaining ’bout was simple things that she coulda sort out sheself widout all de bassa bassa. When I ask de lady iffing I fix everything if she would be happy in de house, she say no so I tell de bossman, who say she better be happy or else he gine pack she and she gentleman friend back to Britain.
It turns out dat when dem did first arrive from Britain de company had a property wid ’bout four months left pun de lease and put dem in there. Dat property had swimming pool so de lady woulda never be happy becausing she get downgrade!
It was time fuh urgent action so I call in Big D, tell de lady to expect he and ask Big D to mek sure before he left ’bout there dat he fix everything! Saturday morning Big D arrive and de English lady would not answer de door. He could hear somebody in de house; Big D call me. I call de house and Tina say: “There’s a big black man outside me house pounding on the door and I am scared and ah can’t let him in!”
My blood boiling.
“Madam, de big black man dat you scared of is my workman. He name Dick or Big D; if you don’t let him in, you gine have to find yuh own man of business. What de hell you tink he gine do to you; ravish you?”
Big D get in, fix everything and Tina was happy. Weeks later, I pass by fuh rent and who having lunch wid Tina, Big D heself! Next day I see Dick and ask: “You and Tina having lunch? I thought she did frighten fuh you?”
D start to blush. You ever see a big, robust man blush.
“Wait, Dick, you like you fixing up de lady too!”
De man ramble, can’t look me in de eye.
Tina remain a happy tenant and de only part of de story I can’t confirm is whether Big D did fixing up de lady in de house. Dick like he tek me literally and fix everything before he left!
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day yuh hear?
