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DEAR CHRISTINE: Pondering a way to tell lover ‘no’


DEAR CHRISTINE: Pondering a way to tell lover ‘no’

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Dear Christine,

I WANT TO have your opinion on a matter which is causing me a measure of concern.

I am a 34-year-old woman in a loveless marriage. My husband and I do not spend time together, neither do we have any intimate moments. I have been married for ten years and feel like throwing in the towel.

For the past two years I have had an on-again, off-again affair with a guy from my workplace. He’s younger than I am and is everything I have ever wanted in a man.

One of my main issues is about me because I know that adultery is wrong and goes against everything I have ever believed in. I always tell myself that the next time will be the last time, but it never is. When my friend wants to meet with me, I just do not possess the strength to say “no” to him.

It appears as though we have everything going for us in the physical department, but I know we’d never have a lasting relationship.

I’m not writing to ask if what I’m doing is wrong because I know it is. I’m writing because I need your help/advice on how to say no when you are in love with the person, but don’t want them to know.

My lover lost his virginity to me, and I’m having trouble understanding why he still wants to be with me after all of this time. Is it because I’m just easy and he knows he can have sex with no commitment, or does he actually care about me but knows he can’t have me all to himself?

I am ashamed about my behaviour and looking for a way to just say no.


Dear Ashamed,

Do you think you are actually in love, or do you not want to stop this relationship? In other words, I am not sure that you want to or if you want me to sanction the fact that you need to release your husband from this loveless marriage if it is not working for you.

For sure, you’ve got to make a decision, and yes, you may appear easy to this guy if whenever he wants to see you, you are at his beck and call.

If you know it is wrong, then only you can make it right. Talk to your husband and let him know you cannot continue the way you are in this marriage. It’s not fair to you, your husband or your lover, who may just be enjoying the thrills of free sex with someone who is seemingly already committed. I don’t want to appear cruel, but you may well be his practising board.

Do what is right and talk to your husband. Two years in a marriage without any intimacy is hard for me to imagine. But then again, if you are stealing love on the side, your husband may be doing the same.

If counselling and proper communication cannot turn your situation around, then I’m sure you know what will be the next step for you. After all, this on and off again relationship with this guy is not something you really want to live through time and time again. Consider all the parties involved and make the right decision. Saying “no” should not be a problem. What is your problem is the simple fact that when you say “no”, you have nothing else to fall back on, because your husband is not fulfilling his role.

Do what you know is right, but don’t beat yourself up in the process.